A Big Time Headtrip
by DrumChick
Summary: Colleen has just been hired to play drums for a new boy band album and their TV show. It seemed simple enough. AU fiction account of BTR when they first got started. No last names used. I own nothing in this story except the original characters. No slash, just language and sex. Hope you enjoy and please offer feedback. Thanks!
1. Chapter 1

My name is Colleen Morrigan. I am a professional studio/session drummer. I have been living in Los Angeles for almost five years. I came out here from Houston to attend UCLA for their music program. I graduated not long ago with my degree in Music Theory and Composition, which may sound impressive, but honestly, I'm like any other musician in LA; I just want to do what makes me happy and succeed at it. My whole life has been music. My parents are both professional musicians and I literally grew up always playing music. My dad taught me to play drums when I was three. I had no trouble picking it right up and began getting small jobs and gigs here and there when I was thirteen. I've been called a "prodigy" but I don't think of myself as that. I think it's just something that I was born with and worked at every day. My drums are and have always been my life.

Female drummers don't always get taken seriously. Like, we can't play along with the "big boys" and other female drummers, well, most of them foster a supportive sisterhood, but there are some cut-throat bitches that will do whatever it takes to make sure YOU don't get the coveted job they are after. Being offered something like this was huge!

So, back to the job. Nickelodeon had a show coming out, marketed to kids and teens, about four teenage guys that are high school friends, and they form a band, go to LA and are trying to make it in the music business. The interesting thing is that outside of the show, these guys are not just actors, but they really were a new band that was just getting started, and this project was actually two years in the making because it took casting that long to find the right talent for it. Also, the guys themselves weren't in high school; they were all over eighteen. I'm thinking the show sounds like The Monkees or something, and it seems really cool.

Art imitates life or life imitates art, I forget how the saying goes. The project was called Big Time Rush, and I was offered the chance to do drums for the entire debut album, music for the TV show, and whatever other drumming needs there may be. Then we see how this whole thing turns out. Was I interested?

Hell yeah! This is experience, recognition, and serious money.

These all would be the least of the things I would be concerned with as I was soon to find out.

I showed up at the studio on a Monday, a little nervous, you know, new job and all. I never pictured myself, as an adult, working on a kid show, or teen show, or whatever this was supposed to be. But, I play whatever and whenever needed and I've never turned down a paying gig. This would be my first long term drumming job and I was surprised I had actually gotten it.

After showing my credentials to the receptionist, Kim, she directed me back to the studio and I met Jay, the producer. Really laid back guy, 40's, brown hair, friendly. Then the other studio musicians came in: Mark, keyboardist, Devin, bassist, and Rej, guitarist; a Lenny Kravitz looking kind of guy with these awesome dreads. Everyone was friendly, and this was one of the few times that no one seemed to have a problem with or even acknowledge the fact that I am female. Off to a good start.

We got right down to business, first recording scene music, snippets and sound bites for upcoming episodes, then we looked at our sheet music to start learning the songs, five of which were already written. The actors/singers wouldn't be in; they were on set all day. We needed to learn these songs so when they did come in for vocals, we all knew what we were playing, could do some run-throughs and recording for the album would start.

After playing these songs over and over and getting familiar with them, we had them down. We also had more music for the show and sound bites to record. We had been in the studio for about two hours one day when Jay said the guys were coming in for us to do a few run-throughs with the vocals to see how it all sounded together. So we were finally going to meet them.

We had taken a short break in the studio, waiting for them to get there. The studio doors were propped open, and two assistants were bringing in four chairs, putting them up in front of our set-up, putting sheet music down on each chair and setting up extra mics. I was checking e-mail on my phone, sipping my bottle of water, and then I heard laughter, loud laughter, coming from down the hall, getting louder like it was coming toward the studio. Jay came in and says, "Ok everyone, I would like you to meet the guys that this is all about." I looked up just as they were walking in.

"Alright, this is James, Kendall, Carlos and Logan. These are the guys that are Big Time Rush, and the guys that will be the vocals for all of this great music you're cranking out. Guys, meet your awesome back-up band. This is Rej on guitar, Devin on bass, Mark on keyboard and Colleen on drums." They all smile and say hi, and it's all a series of handshakes and pleasantries and introductions. I smiled and said hello, shook hands and maintained my professionalism, but I was seriously scanning them up and down, checking them out one by one. _Ok, that guy is hot. Oh yeah, he's hot too. And him, really hot! Where did the casting agents find such hot guys?_

Then I looked over at _him_. I wanted just to sit and stare; he was so beautiful. I had to make myself take my eyes off of him before he, or anyone else, saw me gawking.

They picked up their sheet music and sat down.

Jay calls in from the control booth, "Ok, starting now."

They began the song and we all came in perfectly on cue. The music meshed well with their vocals and it all sounded great. I concentrated on my playing and didn't even look up so I wouldn't get distracted.

When the session was over, they stayed and everyone kinda chit chatted and talked music and business and whatever. They were really friendly. I got to talk to them for about ten minutes before they had to leave. I watched them as they left and all I could think was that I'd be working with them for quite a while, and really hoped this "distraction" didn't become a problem.

When I got home later, I could not stop thinking about them, especially him...

I've worked in the professional circuit for a few years now, and have met so many people. Since being in LA, I have come across celebrities more than a just few times; I see them at the grocery store, gas station, restaurants, etc., and they are just people like the rest of us. Not a big deal. I have also been in plenty of situations where there were people that could influence my career and I still kept my cool. I've met famous musicians and producers and even if I was a bit intimidated, I sucked it up until I got past it. When I'm on my drums and in my zone, I can block out the world and do my thing. So, how in the HELL was it that these four guys, younger than me, and that I had just met had me so completely wigging out that I was almost reverting to adolescence? I couldn't even explain it…


	2. Chapter 2

We were starting the second week in the studio and I had heard the day before that the guys would be there with again us today. I felt like such a 12-year-old while getting ready to go in. If the guys were there today, and of course, that meant him, then I totally had to look my best. I felt stupid thinking and feeling the way I did, but I couldn't help it. I should be more concerned about how well my playing sounds and not how I look. But I was girl having issues.

Unfortunately, I can't do much in the way of make-up jewelry and hairstyle when playing drums; jewelry gets in the way, especially rings, and make-up either gets smeared or sweated right off. Hair needs to be in a pony-tail so it doesn't get in my face or get tangled up in my headphones.  
So, I picked my pink "I Hit Like A Girl" shirt and my favorite jeans. It was the best I could do.

When I got to the studio, the guys were there. Jay wasn't in yet; he was running late, so we were all just hanging around, somewhat warming up, somewhat bullshitting.

I went to the breakroom to get a bottle of water, and Kendall was sitting at a table, on his phone. It's not like you want to eavesdrop on people's phone conversations, but sometimes you can't help it. He was laughing, and I could hear a voice on the other end that sounded female. I tried to be quick and quiet so I wouldn't bother him, but whoever had put the case of water bottles in the fridge had stuck the whole case in without tearing it open first and putting in the individual bottles. When I tore the package open, four of the bottles fell out and hit the floor. Kendall turned around to see me trying to pick them up. I felt like an idiot, especially when he said, "Sherie, hold on a second…" to, I suppose, a female named Sherie that he was talking to, then said "Do you need some help?" to me. I smiled as best as I could and whispered, "No, thanks" then offered him a water. He smiled and took it. I grabbed my water, mouthed "sorry" to him and then as I was leaving, heard him say to Sherie, "Oh, that's just our drummer. Yeah, ok, love you too. Bye."

Do I know how to make an impression or what?

I got back to the studio, hoping the flush of embarrassment was gone from my face. James, Carlos and Logan were in there, waiting on Kendall. Jay had just gotten in and we were about to get started. I was still determined to come across as professional and not like a bumbling idiot. But, when there are hot guys around, I tend to get stupid. It's one of my virtues.

After we were done for the day, I was on my way out to my car and James was driving through the parking lot, coming right toward me. He slowed down and rolled down the window. "Hey, pretty lady, have a good night!" He smiled really big at me, this freaking gorgeous smile. I smiled at him. "Thanks, you too." Holy damn…

We'd been working for a few weeks now and all was going well. It had been a long day in the studio on this day, but we had gotten two songs finished and printed. It was just us doing the instruments in the studio and Jay mixing in the pre-recorded vocals then playing it back for us.

I was leaving and stopped by Kim's desk to pick up my check. As I was signing for it, she and I started talking about the guys. She had me laughing, telling me what she thought of the guys the first time she met them. That Logan was damn adorable and had the sweetest smile ever, but how could someone have a sweet baby face and still be so damn hot at the same time? That James was just way too pretty to be a guy; perfect features, perfect hair and she was kinda jealous of him. That Kendall looked like the confident smart ass type that was going to be very successful and she was certain that he was wearing colored contacts; nobody's eyes can be that green. And that Carlos was someone she could never get involved with because he was just "straight up fuck-a-licious" and it could really complicate things. I almost choked on my Dr. Pepper I laughed so hard. That was when James came out of the studio hallway and toward us. I didn't even know he'd been in that day. Kim was called to get something from one of the engineers and she left her desk just as James was slowing down when he got over to me. I was trying to keep from having Dr. Pepper come out of my nose and there he was…

"Hey, Colleen, lookin' good today! How are things?" He said, while smiling. What a charmer. And gorgeous. So unbelievably gorgeous. I just smiled and felt like an idiot, distracted by his beauty. And I kind of had trouble breathing.

"Things are good. And you?"

"Great. I am on my way to Starbucks. Would you care to join me?"

_Oh dear god, he is asking me to join him for coffee, which means we'll be sitting at a table, talking in somewhat close proximity, and I have to make sure I don't have food in my teeth, or body odor, or stray chin hairs, or…_

"I'd love to. I just need to finish up a little bit of paper work that Kim is supposed to get for me. Can I meet you there?"

"Yeah, it's the one just down the street", he said pointing in the direction.

"Cool. Let me get your number in case I get held up here." He smiled and gave me his number. I put it in my phone and said, "Ok, I'm gonna snap your picture to add this in with your number, just so I don't get you mixed up with all of the other Jameses I have in here." Yeah, I made a stupid joke; I don't know where it came from. He smiled for his photo. How the hell can someone be so fucking gorgeous?

Then he laughed. "Ok, call me or text me so I can get your number too. See you in a bit?"

"Yes, you will."

"Ok, I'll save us a table…" he said while strolling out the door. Kim had just come back and smiled.

"Ok, girl, I heard some of that. Pretty Man just asked you out! Mmm, hmm. But I don't have any paperwork for you; you've already signed for your check."

I just looked at her. "I know. I just wanted to hang back for a few minutes so I can freshen myself up."

She smiled and nodded.

I waited a few minutes until I was sure he was gone. I got in my car and started quickly brushing out my hair, touching up lipstick, checking my teeth, putting on my emergency deodorant, and examining my face in the mirror to make sure I was presentable. This is as good as it's going to get after a long day in the studio.

I texted him that I was on my way and my hands were shaking so much that I could hardly get the words out. Why was I so freaking freaked out, it's just coffee. And this didn't mean that it was a date or whatever and I really needed to relax and try not to act like an idiot. But I couldn't believe he had just asked me to go somewhere with him.

I walked in and looked around for a second when I saw him sitting at a table. He was doing something on his phone and didn't even see me walk up.

"Hi." I said as I sat down.

"Hey!" he smiled and I noticed his eyes are really hazel and he has a cleft chin. I hadn't been that close to him before. Kim was right; he IS too pretty to be a guy.

"I'll go order. What would you like?"

"Oh, you didn't have to wait for me, I could've gotten mine"

"I wanted to make sure we got a table. It's very competitive up in here", he said while darting his eyes around. "And since I invited you, my treat. What would you like?"

"Oh, one of the frozen mocha thingies with whipped cream. Thank you." I am not Starbucks savvy.

He just laughed. "Ok! Be right back." He got up and went to get in line. I turned my head and just sort of looked at him. Ok, REALLY looked at him. What am I doing? I work with him, sort of, and can't let myself get distracted.

It seemed some other people were also enjoying his beauty; two girls, maybe about sixteen, were passing by the table, on their way out. But first they stopped and sort of giggled. They looked over at James standing in line, then at me. "Your man is SMOKIN' HOT!" one of them said. I just smiled and said, "Thank you. I think so too." I looked over at him. My man, ha ha …Then the other girl actually had the nerve to ask, "So, how good is he in bed?" Ok, who the hell asks someone they don't even know that kind of question? It was kind of funny, though. I thought for a second then said, "Oh, he's a stallion…" The first girl gave me a fist bump and they left. I just quietly laughed to myself.

James came back with our drinks and had been completely oblivious to the whole thing. He sat down, smiling. I was probably blushing, because I was wondering whether or not he really was a stallion in bed, and how I probably wouldn't mind finding out. Then for a few minutes, I had a problem making eye contact with him. _Focus on the conversation. Be the female at the table and stopped trying to imagine him naked!_

It was just casual talk about random stuff; music, working, what I thought about the project, what he thought about the project, etc. I was looking at him while he talked and thought that maybe this could be the guy that could just make me forget my troubles.

We were there for about an hour, and then he looked at his phone. "I need to get going. I have an appointment I have to get to."

"Ok. This was fun; thanks for inviting me."

"Any time. I'll call you." Guys always say that. I actually believed him. And then felt really weird about the thought of him and me. Was that even appropriate with the whole work thing? I mean, I really liked him, but there was something else in the back of my mind that had me cautious and unsure.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day James actually called me. I was kind of surprised when my phone went off and I looked at it to see the picture I had taken yesterday of his gorgeous face. I almost got too nervous to answer it, but I did. He was calling to ask me if I would like to join him for the "best California burrito ever".

"Sure, what restaurant?"

"California Burrito." Duh. I knew there was a restaurant called that and felt kinda stupid just then.

"Oh. Yeah, that sounds really good."

And he wanted to take me this evening. That's not a lot of prep time and we girls need our prep time.

He'd be at my apartment in three hours. I quickly got on my laptop and looked up California Burrito to check the menu for what would be a substantial meal, but not make me look like a pig or give me the funky farts, then see exactly where it was located so I'd know how long I would be in the car with him and what we could talk about on the drive, how casual the dress code was and what there was to do in the area after we got done eating. I'm not a go-to-the-movies kind of person. Pan Pacific Park was right down the road. Walking around the park in the sunset, talking. Aw, how romantic… No. No "romantic". We're eating burritos. We're friends that haven't known each other long and I really need to not get into something complicated with him, not while I have all kinds of other crap in my head.

Complicated. That word can mean so many things.

We'd been working on the BTR job for about a month and a half, and James and I had quickly become really good friends. We talked a few times a week, had lunch if we were at the studio at the same time, but there hadn't really been another "date" or whatever. I was confused about how I was feeling; about him and about other things. I was determined not to let whatever happened with him affect my job. I had a great thing going and got along well with everyone and wanted to keep it that way. I was getting to know the other guys better and had an individual appreciation for each one of them. But, none of the other guys had taken me to California Burrito and then a walk around Pan Pacific Park. Yes, that really did happen. We walked around the park in the sunset and talked. It was very casual but there was definitely some sort of connection going on there and I wasn't quite sure how to take it. But, he had been a perfect gentleman when he walked me to my door and gave me goodnight kiss on the cheek. I really wondered what everyone else would think, if they knew anything, what anyone was thinking, or if anyone was even thinking anything. We were just friends; but there was no denying I did have some sort of attraction to him and unless I was reading into something that wasn't there, it seemed like he did toward me. Our conversations were just conversations, but there was a hint of "flirty" on both sides. I wasn't even trying to be that way with him, but I was. I had to admit, I had been really lonely for the last couple of years. I hadn't been in a relationship since the very beginning of college and after that ended I was too busy with school and work. Then I started my career. It didn't always allow me the time or attention to start anything with anyone. And in all honesty, it had been too long since I had gotten any.

So, I dreamed up this "experiment". I had done a bit of research and I was prepared to carry out a carefully orchestrated plan. And if it worked, then I better damn well think about what I was getting myself into.


	4. Chapter 4

James was coming over to pick me up for our next date and I was ready for him. I had vanilla scented body spray on my wrists and neck. Hair freshly washed and conditioned. Lightly flavored and not-too-sticky lip gloss. Apartment not too lit up, but lit up just enough. Tank dress that isn't too revealing, but easy to get off. Laptop on the coffee table, open. Sandals in the bedroom on the floor next to the bed. Purse on the bed, open. There was a point to all of this.

When he got there, I opened the door and just took it all in for a few seconds. He looked hot; black t-shirt, tight jeans, his hair just perfect and that damn smile. I let him in and tried to keep myself calm.

"I am so sorry; I am not quite ready to go yet. Can you give me a few minutes to get all this stuff put up?" I motioned to my laptop on the coffee table. Oh, dear god, I am going through with it.

"Oh, yeah, sure", he said. Then, I had to get him talking.

"So, you told me on the phone where we were going and I feel like a derp because I forgot. Tell me the name of it again?" I was shutting down my laptop as I looked up at him.

"Cicada. It's Northern Italian."

"That sounds delicious… oh, I need to go charge this up." I said holding up my laptop. He smiled and nodded. I kept talking, "So, have you been there personally or just heard about it? You can follow me in here; I'm listening..." I said as I walked into the bedroom. He cautiously followed.

"I haven't been, but I've heard it's great…" he said, sort of looking around my bedroom.

I went over to my desk and set my laptop down, then in the first bold move of the plan, I bent over to plug it into the power strip on the floor, and let my butt just be there in all it's glory in the little tank dress. I acted like I totally didn't even realize what I was doing. I knew he was looking.

I stood up and smiled. "I bet they have an awesome Chicken Marsala."

"I'm sure they do..." He seemed distracted. I sat down on the bed and started to put on my sandals, making some sort of chit chat about food or something just to keep the conversation going. Ok, I got him into the bedroom, distracted him with my butt in a short dress, now we're near the bed. Next part of the plan…

I had my purse on the bed, open. "Ok, my computer is plugged in, got my shoes on, I think we're ready." I stood up, casually picked up my purse, purposely by the bottom corner, but acted like I wasn't paying attention to which way I had picked it up. And like I planned (and practiced) everything dropped out onto the floor.

I sighed heavily. "Ok. Give me a second..." I got down on my hands and knees and started picking everything up, slowly. I had carefully chosen several small, girly items. A lipstick, sparkly powder compact, little bottle of raspberry scented hand lotion, pink comb, a little flowery-design credit card holder. And right on cue, like the gentleman he is, he bent down in front of me. "Let me help you." And though it actually hadn't been part of the plan, the scoop neckline of my dress was a bit low as I was down, so I think he got a pretty good eyeful of "the girls". He helped me pick everything up then stood up. I looked up at him, and held my hand up to him so he could pull me up. He did, and then I was really close to him. I smiled and looked up into his eyes. "Thank you." I said softly. I knew he could smell the vanilla body spray, which is supposed to be the scent that men find the most attractive. And as a bonus, I may have just given him a sneak peek of my boobs.

We stood there for a few seconds, just kind of looking at each other. Then it got serious and that's when I knew it was working.

As if HE knew my script, he leaned down, cupped his hands on my face and gave me the sweetest kiss ever. I felt a wave of nervousness and who knows what else down in my stomach and my heart was totally pounding. _The plan is in play and it is too late to go back now._

He sat me down on the side of the bed. We were still kissing, but it had gotten really intense. This is when I knew the tank dress was the best choice; I was sure it would be coming off soon. He stopped, leaned back a little and looked at me seriously, and maybe even a bit unsure. It was either about to be epic as hell or awkward as fuck from that point on. Damn, what was I doing? I knew what I wasn't doing; I wasn't forcing him.

He smiled very sweetly. "Colleen, is this, um, really going to happen? Are you sure that you…" His voice trailed off. Maybe he was trying to be respectful, and as much as I appreciated that, it wasn't what I wanted. And I could see through his tight jeans that at least one part of him was already on board with the plan. Oh, it is SO on!

I looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Yeah, I'm sure." _Hell, I set this WHOLE THING UP and you played right into it, but I'll never admit that to you. You can just think you got lucky._

I'm not slutty, by any means, but I had been lonely and I just wanted it... with him…so much... despite the fact that I knew that this was wrong.

He leaned toward me and put his mouth on mine, kissing me more deliberately this time. Then he pulled back and took off his shirt. This was the first time I had ever seen him shirtless; toned abs, perfect pecs, and very muscular upper arms. I may have turned to pudding at that moment, so I really tried to focus on not making an ass of myself.

I kicked off my sandals, pulled off the tank dress, and revealed my satin pale pink bra and panties. He just looked me up and down. I was a bit self conscious, but I had read that men get more turned on by confidence than a perfect size 2 body, so I had to play this off.

Now, I'm not a size 2, not even close. I'm 5'5, about 133 lbs., kind of a size 8, depending on what brand of clothing I'm trying to fit into, and a C cup. He didn't seem to have a problem with any of that. I figured the pink bra and panties might look a bit less "intentional" than black. I had put a lot of thought into this…

He began to unbuckle his belt and I got really light headed and just sort of stared at him. I wasn't sure I could do this, but it was far too late to stop now. Then off came those tight jeans. He was just in these clingy boxer-brief things. My eyes followed the treasure trail down from his navel. I breathed deep. _Please don't let me come before he can even get his dick out!_

Then, all the undergarments were off and the sex part was about to be on. He laid back, pulled me on top of him and put his arms around my lower back, pulling me closer to him while kissing me even harder. I straddled him, and got him up in me as far as he would go and we got started. I didn't think anything in this world could be as amazing as the feeling of him, hot and hard, inside me. But there was that guilt in the back of my mind that I was treating him like a sex object. Were the guys going to hear about this and what the hell would they think? I couldn't think about that; it would ruin my concentration, because it wasn't about to be long before …

The intensity got even stronger and soon we were both sweating. I was riding him as hard as I could and was having some trouble breathing. I started to orgasm, and not long after, he was right there too. I can't even describe how incredible it was. When I finished my orgasm, I kept going on him until I knew that he was done with his. I looked down at him. His eyes were closed and he was breathing hard and moaning. Even if I hadn't been riding him, just seeing that would have sent me over the edge!

When it was all done, I slowly climbed off of him and kind of fell down next to him. Holy hell, my "experiment" had worked! But there are consequences to each and every single thing we do, regardless of who will or won't find out. I didn't want to think about that.

We both laid there for a minute, then he turned to me and smiled. "So, that really did just happen…"

"Yes it did."

"I did not expect that when I asked you out tonight."

"Yeah…" _I did, but I'll be taking that to my grave…_

He looked at the clock on my nightstand and laughed. "It's a bit late for going out to dinner. I could order us a pizza."

"That sounds really good."

After pizza and conversation, I had already gotten myself cleaned up and he was taking a shower. I just sat very still on the bed and stared at the wall, pretty freaked out over what had happened. My heart absolutely pounded just thinking of it. _So what now?_

He came back into the bedroom wearing only the grey boxer briefs. His hair was wet and combed all the way back out of his face. He sat down on the bed, and I could not only see that his skin was still moist from the shower, but I could also feel the warmth coming from it and smell the combination of his scent and body wash. There were just no words…

"I suppose I'm spending the night." he said. I looked at the clock on my night stand. It was almost 1:00 am.

"I was really hoping you would." _Or I could just hold you hostage._

He leaned forward and started kissing me. Then he just put his arms around me, laid me down and held me. I thought he was going to want to go at it again, but was relieved he didn't because I knew my nether regions could not have handled any more of that so soon. He didn't say a single word; he just held me. I snuggled up with my head kind of between his armpit and chest. My heart was beating so fast that I was having slight chest pains. I knew it was just my anxiety. I just laid still, tried to breathe and tried to enjoy what was happening, while silently freaking out. My plan, or experiment, or whatever it was, hadn't been thought this far through.

We both just laid there and fell asleep. I was too worn out from all of this to try to reason. I knew I'd have plenty of time for my mind to make me crazy, and I knew that it would.

I woke up smelling food and looked at the clock. It was just after 8:00, and the other side of the bed was empty. I got up, went in to the bathroom and tried to make myself look less "just woke up-ish" and went to the kitchen to find him cooking breakfast.

"Hey, good morning." He smiled and waited for me to say something.

"Good morning. I didn't have the stuff to make all this." I was looking at all the food he had out. He had even cleaned up the kitchen and washed the dishes. _Is he fucking serious?_

"I went out early to get a few things. I left a note in case you had woken up while I was gone."

I looked at the food just as he was finishing up and putting it on two plates. Omelets, French toast, fresh fruit, orange juice and coffee. _How early did he get up?_ I thought about everything that had been happening between us; going out, talking, taking lunch breaks together on the days we had the same studio schedule, our amazing night together, and now this. Where was this going? I just looked at him. He was so sweet, so gorgeous, and he was treating me… perfectly.

We sat down and started eating. He's a better cook than me. Of course.

He looked at me and kind of smiled. "You ok? You look like you're deep in thought or something."

_Oh, you have no idea._

"Just thinking about what a gorgeous man you are..."

He laughed. "That's just the food talking."

Yeah, THAT'S it.


	5. Chapter 5

It was pretty much the same thing each week with work; we had sound bites to record for the show, we were still working on the album, redoing takes, making changes, working with a few other artists and producers on some collaborations, and demos. The days just sort of ran together. Some days the guys were working with us and some days they weren't. It didn't seem that anyone was acting any differently around me, so I was confident that no one knew about 'Colleen's Magical Night With James'. I trusted him and it seemed I was ok in doing so. It had been almost two weeks since that night. I had seen James a few times and talked to him a few times, but we had been so busy with weird schedules, that we hadn't seen each other outside of work. I wondered if he had been thinking as much about that night as I had been.

I had just spent eight hours in the studio and we were finally done for the day. I was getting in my car, thinking I was heading home for a lonely night when I got a text from him.

"Spend the night with me." _Oh look, a booty text…_

I felt my face get really hot and felt a nervous pang in my stomach. When he spent the night with me, I had sort of set the stage for the whole thing and he totally took the bait. I was prepped and felt like I was in control of the whole scenario but I had a contingency plan in case it hadn't worked; I'd have just aborted the mission and gone to dinner with him. But this time would be in his jurisdiction. It was unspoken but plain understood that if I agreed, I would show up at his apartment with my vagina ready; no pretense and no pretext. I was still having moral issues with myself about all of this. But he was so hard to resist; who wouldn't wanna get it on with James? Even if I had things in my mind I was struggling with…

I called him.

"Hey, I didn't even see you today." I said.

"Hi! Yeah, I left a little earlier than everyone else did. I sent you a text just a minute ago."

"That's why I'm calling. You're serious?"

"I'm totally serious. I'd really love to have you with me tonight. And tomorrow morning."

I didn't have to think about it any longer.

"Ok, I'll be there about 7:00."

While I was throwing together a few things in a tote bag to take to James', I got so nervous I felt like I was going to throw up. I was so attracted to him. I trusted him. I was confused. Did anyone else know about all this? What if it turned out bad and then I had to still work with him? My mind was all over the place.

That night was freaking amazing. He'd ordered Chinese, we sat and talked, then when we both knew we were done with the eating and talking, we got down to business. I tried to put the guilt and other crap out of my mind and just focus on him, and what was happening. I felt like someone that was having an affair. It was thrilling. It was nerve-wracking. It was horrible guilt mixed with immense pleasure, all at the same time.

Later that night he was sleeping but I was wide awake. I was lying in bed next to him just staring at him. Could I honestly say I was in love with him? _How could I not be in love with THIS? Look at him! He is everything I could want in a guy._ But as desirable as he was, and god was he ever, I couldn't decide what the hell to do with my emotions. I had issues, and this…whatever he and I had…just didn't feel…complete.

I never even thought to question what his intentions were, either.

And so, it was the start of a relationship that I never imagined happening. Friends and colleagues by day, secret hot lovers by night. I knew this was as old as time itself, but I never pictured myself involved in this kind of thing. If I hadn't gotten things started that first night, would this all still be happening? Maybe so. I thought with everything that was happening that I would have been completely batshit crazy in love with James, ready to marry him and bear his children, except I wasn't even anywhere in that direction. I had such a love for him, though. I got to where I was so comfortable around him. He was always my go-to guy, for everything.

I couldn't imagine what was going to come out of all this down the road.


	6. Chapter 6

It was about an hour before we were done in the studio on a Thursday and I looked up to see Kendall in the control booth talking to Jay and looking at me. Then Jay was looking at me as they continued their conversation. I was actually getting a little bit nervous and paranoid but pretended like I didn't see them and concentrated on my playing. After a few minutes, I looked back up and didn't see Kendall. Jay was working on the controls, no longer looking at me. What was that all about? As far as I knew, I had been doing fine with the music.

When we got finished, I was packing up to leave and Rej and I were talking about getting together one day outside of work and jamming out with Mark and Devin just for the hell of it. I looked over and Kendall had just come into the studio and was walking over to me, looking at me like he wanted to talk to me. All I could think of was that he must know about me and James and was he going to say something to me? I got a bit freaked but tried to act normal.

"Hey Colleen! Great session today!"

"Thanks."

"I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to ask you about something that's going on outside of all this." He said, motioning to the studio.

I took a deep breath. _Is he seriously going to do this here, in front of Rej and Jay and anyone that may walk in? What the actual fuck? And where the hell is James? Should I interrupt him, or try to get him to do this somewhere else?_

"Ok."

He smiled. "You know that Dustin and I have a band. We started it way before all of this. We are working on some songs and we need drum parts. Would you be interested in working with us?"

Dustin was a friend of Kendall's from way back. He had been around a few times and was friends with everyone there. He played guitar and was working with someone else on an album, but I had forgotten who.

I had to force myself to not audibly let out the biggest sigh of relief ever.

"Oh yeah, Kendall, I'd love too. Just tell me when and where."

"If you're available this weekend, then that would be great. We'll be at Dustin's. He has a studio at his house, but a lot of time, we just kind of do our thing out on the back patio since the weather is usually good. I can text you the directions and let you know what time after I double check with him."

"Ok, that sounds really great. Thanks for asking me."

"Thanks for saying yes."

After Kendall left and I looked over at Rej and smiled. He smiled back. "Very cool, Ms. Colleen; very cool indeed." He said bye to me, patted me on the back and left.

I got home and was about to get in the shower when James called.

"Hey sweetie! How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks. What's going on?"

"I was just wondering if you were free this weekend."

"Maybe. I have plans with Kendall on Saturday."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah, he asked me to work with him and Dustin on some of their songs at Dustin's; he's supposed to get back with me and let me know what time."

"Hey, that is really awesome."

"I'll call you once I know. We can get together and do whatever you want after."

"Yeah, that sounds good. Let me know. I'm glad you're working with them; that is great."

"Thanks. I will call you soon."

"Ok, bye sweetie."

"Bye."

Later that day, Kendall texted me: "Saturday morning at 10:00. 5544 Sand Dollar Rd, about 8 miles SW of the studio. Do you need directions?"

I texted him back. "That's actually very close to where I live. See you then."

I then texted James. "Meeting Kendall and Dustin at 10:00 on Saturday. I don't know how long I'll be there. I can call you when I am done and we can take it from there."

He texted me back about 20 minutes later. "Works for me."

Saturday morning I woke up early, really nervous. I hadn't had butterflies like this in a long time. I didn't really know what to expect. I had met Dustin a few times and his girlfriend, Melanie, once. They were both really nice. I hadn't spent much time with Kendall outside of work. And there is something about going to someone's house that just makes things different, like stepping into their personal space and being on-guard a little bit, especially if it's someone you don't know well.

I got there about two minutes after 10:00 and Kendall was already there. We sat out on the back patio, which was covered and had ceiling fans. The breeze was perfect and the smog didn't seem as intrusive. I felt a little more relaxed.

We worked on three songs; they were written, one was not completely finished, they had no drum parts written and that was what they wanted me to do. These guys are musicians; they knew how to do this, and could have gotten anyone else but asked me. I was flattered.

Kendall had gone out to get lunch; Dustin and I sat and worked a little while then just talked and got to joking and laughing about random things. He was really funny and I was having a good time. He then got a phone call and excused himself to go take it. I was just sitting there reading over the songs, looking at the music and looking all around the back yard. I took sips of my Dr. Pepper and just waited. A few minutes later, Kendall was back and bringing the food outside. It was such a beautiful day; the weather was perfect to just stay outside. Dustin was taking his time, so Kendall and I sat, ate organic mahi mahi tortilla wraps and talked. He asked me a lot of questions about my musical background, things I had worked on, how I got into drumming and if I did anything else besides drums. He told me that he had been an actor since he was a kid, and told me some of the things he had been in and that Dustin did some acting and they had worked on some things together, even somewhat recently. I felt bad because I hadn't seen any of their stuff and hadn't even heard of either of them until I met them. I didn't tell him that, but what I did tell him was the truth; I had been so busy working on my music that I rarely ever watched TV, or even had a social life; it had been like that most of my life, worse so when I got to college. I'd had no time for anything but school and work and things had never been typical, which was isolating sometimes. He told me that he had been home schooled, and working since he was a kid so growing up had been anything but typical for him and he understood.

Dustin finally came back and apologized for taking so long but didn't even offer an explanation. He ate quickly while Kendall and I got back to work.

We finished about 4:30, having been working for a little over six hours. I said good bye to them, left and the entire way home, I just thought about what an interesting day it had been.

I got home and remembered to call James. I hadn't even thought about him all day.

"Hey James, I just got home."

"Hi, how was your day?"

"It was really fun. So, what are we up to tonight?"

"I think you KNOW what we're up to tonight…"

Yes, I did. And it was more conflict than I could deal with.

Did I want James to love me? Was I in love with him yet? What the hell was this really? It was good, it was awesome, but I couldn't define it. He wasn't my boyfriend, but we were more than just friends, and I didn't have much else to describe it. There were things that I felt but couldn't tell him.

We went out to dinner and then back to his place. I think he preferred being there; maybe it made him feel more in control. I had started carrying a larger purse and keeping spare overnight essentials and an extra bra and panties in it for occasions like this when I didn't have my car. I was getting pretty good at this "secret lovers" thing and it was not something I was proud of.


	7. Chapter 7

We had now been working on BTR for several months. The show was in full swing and the ratings were higher than anyone expected. The album was coming along ok but with the filming schedule, it was taking a bit longer than expected. I was getting along well with everyone and considered these guys, as well as everyone I worked with, my friends. Jay had us over on more than one occasion for BBQ. Carlos had bought a townhouse and had everyone over for a housewarming party, then somehow conned us all into helping him paint. Rej brought traditional Jamaican food into the studio for lunch each week and it was always something to look forward to. I had worked with Kendall and Dustin a few more times, at Dustin's and in the studio. Melanie was there one time and I got to know her too. She asked a lot of questions, but was super friendly; we got along very well and planned to do a girl's shopping day soon.

I was glad to have new friends. I felt weird keeping the whole "James thing" a secret but I HAD to.

One evening, after everyone else was gone, I had stayed late to work on a few things by myself. Session ended early that day. It had just been Jay, Rej and Devin and me today; Mark was out sick. It had been a light day and I just wanted to play by myself for a bit while I had the time. I got done and was leaving the studio and it was pouring down rain. I couldn't remember seeing rain like this in L.A., ever! I ran out to my car only to see that I had a flat tire. _You have GOT to be fucking KIDDING me!_ I ran back to the door, by now soaking wet. I went back inside and tried to think for a second. Since it was evening, Kim was gone already and the security guard couldn't leave the desk and couldn't do much more than call someone, which was all I could do as well. I took out my phone and called AAA, but it would be at least 45 minutes, if not longer, until a tow truck got there. Then they would have to get my car all hooked up and get it to a repair place, in the rain. I know how to change a tire, but wasn't about to in that fucking monsoon. The tow truck wouldn't be able to take me home either. I called James.

"Hey, sweetie, what's up?"

"I'm stuck at the studio. I have a flat tire."

"I can be there in maybe an hour. I'm in Burbank and the traffic is a fucking nightmare with this rain. If you don't mind waiting, I will be there. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, just tired, wet and hungry. I hate for you to have to do this. I can call someone else."

"I don't mind at all, I just hate that you're stuck waiting. Did you call a tow truck?"

"I did, but then I'll just be waiting longer for them to get it towed and crap. I think I'll just cancel it and leave my car here until tomorrow. I just need to be able to get home and then back here tomorrow to take care of this."

"Let me think for a second. Ok. Logan lives close by. Want me to call him for you?"

"I can call him. Thanks."

"Ok, let me know what happens. If no one else can help you, call me and I will be there."

"I'll let you know. Bye."

I called Logan. He was home and not doing anything. I felt terrible asking him to go out in such bad weather. He said he didn't mind and would be there soon. I texted James to let him know that Logan was on his way. I called to cancel the tow truck, then went over to let the security guard know that I was leaving my car in the lot all night.

Logan was there in 20 minutes. I ran out to his car and got in.

"Thank you SO much! You are a life saver and I owe you for this."

"You don't owe me. But, I would love to take you to dinner."

_Um…_

"Sure, I haven't eaten since lunch, and I could really use some hot coffee."

"Ok then."

I did feel a bit strange. I was used to this being James, but it was dinner, innocently enough.

We had a good dinner. We talked about all kinds of things; music, the business, our families, how much we both missed Texas; it was all good conversation. I looked around the restaurant and saw that it was getting empty. I looked at my phone.

"Logan, it's 10:30."

"Shit, seriously?"

"Yep. I have had a really great time, but I need to get home."

"Yeah, me too. We have a 7:00 am call time."

On the way home he looked over at me and smiled a few times. I had never noticed his dimples before.

"Colleen, I had a good time tonight. I am sorry about your car, but this was fun."

"It was fun. Thank you so much for rescuing me and feeding me."

"No problem." He smiled and then said, "You are so awesome; James is lucky."

I just looked at him. "Why is James lucky?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know which way this conversation was going.

"Because he spends a lot of time with you and he enjoys it. You are such a great friend to him. Most girls just want to be seen with James because he's hot and starting to really become famous. And they know that he has money and a lot of them expect him to spend it on them. You're not that way. You care about him as a person."

Wow. I wasn't expecting that. We were almost to my apartment, and as much as this conversation was interesting, I was a little bit relieved to almost be home. Logan was such a sweetheart and I didn't want the conversation to get past a certain point because of all the secrets I was keeping.

"James is a great friend. Of course I care about him as a person; I care about everyone I know as people. He's just kind of been the most outgoing, I suppose."

Logan laughed. "That's part of his charm. It gets him into trouble sometimes."

I laughed. _Yeah, if you only knew…_

I said goodnight to Logan and thanked him for the ride home and dinner. I got inside and realized I forgot to even figure out how the hell I was even going to get back to the studio the next morning. We were talking about so much other stuff that I was distracted.

I called James and let him know that I had made it home. He had just gotten home about an hour earlier himself.

"Did you leave your car in the parking lot?" he asked.

"I did. I hadn't thought about how I was getting back there tomorrow. Logan said you all had a 7:00 am call time, so I didn't ask him and was not going to ask you."

"I wouldn't mind dropping you off, but I am sure you don't want to get there at 6:00 am."

"Don't worry about it. I have until 9:00 am tomorrow to figure it out. I need to get to sleep, and so do you. Have a good night."

"You too, sweetie."

I got on the Metro website to check the bus schedule to see about getting to the studio the next morning, got the schedule I needed, and then went to bed.

The next morning at 6:00, I woke up hearing my doorbell. At first I thought it was a dream, but then realized I was really hearing it.

I got up and went to the door and opened it to see Carlos. He was smiling and holding a set of keys.

"Good morning," I said, very confused. "What is this and did James put you up to it?"

He laughed. "He didn't. I volunteered. We had a 4:30 am workout and he told me what happened with your car last night. He felt really bad he couldn't be there to help you. So, here, you can take my car today. I'll call you later when we're done on the set and we'll figure the rest of it out." He handed me his keys. I was still half asleep and surprised.

"Carlos, thank you SO much!" I gave him a hug, then looked out into the parking lot and toward the street. "Where is James?"

"He finished our workout a little early so he could get coffee."

Just then James came up to the door with Starbucks cups and little brown bags with evil pastries in them.

"Good morning." He said, smiling. _Fucking gorgeous asshole…_

I wanted to cry. These guys were all so damn sweet. _Why were they so damn sweet?_

"Guys, thank you so much. For all of this. I was about to take the bus in today."

They both looked at each other and then back at me. Carlos just shook his head. "Nooo…"

I smiled. "I appreciate this so much. You're both fucking crazy, though."

Carlos laughed. "Why, because I trust you with my car or that we showed up here so early without calling?'

"No, the 4:30 am workout. What the fuck is that all about?"

They laughed. Carlos hugged me again and said he would call me when he was done on set. He took a cup from James and went out to James' car. James just stood there looking at me, then said, "I gotta get going."

I looked at him and smiled. "Thank you." I hugged him and he left.

I went back and sat down with my coffee and opened up the little bag to find a maple oat scone. I sat there eating it, just thinking. So much was on my mind.

I headed out for the studio about 8:00. I went out to my parking space, and there was Carlos' car. I just stood there for a minute. _What next, guys?_

They were all being so nice to me. Had James told them what was happening with him and me? Did they think that if they were nice to me I'd put out for them as well? I immediately felt horrible for even thinking such a thing and mentally apologized to them.


	8. Chapter 8

It was a Sunday morning and James was on his way over. I was trying to tidy up and finish mixing up some peach iced tea. I was kinda nervous and I couldn't figure out what was causing it. He had called the night before to ask if he could come over to my place instead of luring me over to his place, and he had sounded tired or something, not like his usual self.

There was a knock on the door. "It's open." I said. Yeah, I recognized his knock…

He came in and smiled. "Hey, sweetie. How are you today?"

"I'm good, thanks. And you?"

"I'm ok." he said as he came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then he sat down on the couch, same spot he always does. But something was different about him today.

I went over and sat down while he was taking off his shoes, then remembered the tea I had made.

"Oh, I just made some tea; would you like some?" I said, getting back up. He smiled, "Yes, thanks."

I went in to the kitchen, poured two glasses. "It's peach flavored, hope you like it." I called from the kitchen.

I put the tea pitcher back in the fridge and returned to the couch. I handed him his glass and sat back down.

"So, what's on the agenda for today?" I asked, thinking maybe it would be some early morning lovin' or something like that. He put his glass down on the coffee table and looked a bit thoughtful. "I just thought we could hang out here, where it's quiet, and just talk."

"OK, talking is good. What's our topic?"

Then he looked serious. "Well, us."

Damn women's intuition stuff! This is why I had been nervous. Oh, this could totally go any type of way, and I wasn't sure I knew how to deal with any of those ways.

"Us… as in how?"

He looked at me like he was thinking of the right words.

"Well, first off, you know you absolutely mean the world to me. I have so much fun when we're together and it seems you do also. You are amazing. But, I was wondering where you thought this was going, or if you had any thoughts of where this is going or where you wanted it to go, like are we dating, or just…" he stopped talking and looked at me.

_Oh, god, he's rambling._

I just looked at him and didn't say anything because I knew there had to be more he was going to say.

"Well, I do love you…" he started.

_Whoa. Holy hell._

"…..but… I'm not sure how, exactly. We also have a working relationship, and…. Colleen, can you see where I am going with this? Help me out here?" he said with an unsure smile.

Yeah, it was all clear. Clear as mud. And he was still rambling.

"Ok James, I'm hearing you, but I feel kind of stupid right now because I'm not sure I'm following..."

_Crap, what do you want me to say? What are you trying to say? You love me? You think you love me? We're just fuck buddies?_ There was all this stuff in my head that I just couldn't tell him, or even admit to myself at that point and THIS WAS NOT HELPING!

He started back up, "Ok. Let me just say that if there was another person that you wanted to be with, or that wanted to be with you, then I am ok with that." He looked at me like he was almost begging me with his eyes to please say something. I tried to make it easier for him.

"Ok, James, I think I get it. You've met someone new and you want to be with her, so we need to be clear on what we are to each other first?"

I swallowed, took a breath and went on before he could even say anything. "You are free to date whoever you want. I don't …have any claim on you. There hasn't really been a definition between us. It is what it is." I kinda looked up in the air like I was waiting for the right words to just drop into my mind, but I had nothing else come to me then. I gathered my crazed thoughts for a second and tried to organize them. I looked back down at his gorgeous face.

_Ball is now in your court, dude._

"No, there's no one new. Colleen, I care so much about you. You are so close to my heart, but I don't think I am the person that can give you…everything you deserve. I love being with you, but it probably will not turn into anything more…"

He sighed and rolled his eyes just after he said it. "Damn, that sounded so fucking cheesy. I didn't know what or how you felt, exactly, and I don't want to upset you. I'm just really unsure about a lot right now and I was so scared I was going to hurt your feelings. I was up half the night last night, thinking of how this might all play out today and it had my stomach in fucking knots."

I was stunned. "James, you could have said something when you called last night and asked to come over today. We could have talked then, or you could have just come over then. I'm sorry."

"No, it's OK. I really wanted to think about all of this, be better rested and have this conversation in person."

"So," I asked, "What brought all of this on?"

"I was just… doing a lot of thinking yesterday and needed to know…stuff…"

Now my stomach was in fucking knots.

"Ok." I managed a smile that may not have looked very convincing. I felt uneasy.

"Colleen, I want you to be happy, to have someone that treats you like you deserve. Someone that will be exactly who you need. And you know I will ALWAYS be here for you."

"Thank you. I want you to be happy, too." I was still confused. There was something he was not telling me.

He hugged me. "I don't want things to be awkward between us, please. Not ever. We're still the same people and I still want us to be us, whatever happens and however things turn out."

He held up his almost empty glass, which he had been nervously sipping from while we talked.

"That tea is really good; can I have some more?"

"Sure". I got up with his glass and went to the kitchen. I glanced back and saw that he was putting his shoes on. _Is he leaving? Now?_ This was not supposed to be awkward, right? And he had just asked for more tea.

I brought it to him and sat back down. He smiled and took a large sip. "I have to go in just a few minutes. I didn't realize what time it was, we were so into this conversation. I have to meet up with the guys for a photo shoot". He finished his tea while I just looked at him. He really is one gorgeous man. And the things that have happened… I got up and took my glass to the kitchen so he wouldn't see me looking flushed. I was usually so comfortable around him, but today something was not right…

He came up behind me, put his arms around me and hugged me really tight and kissed me on the shoulder. He smelled so good. Damn, how could I be this confused?

"I gotta go."

I turned around to look at him and smiled and nodded. He smiled and said, "I would love to see you later, maybe dinner, if you're up for it. I'll call you later?"

"Sounds great".

As he started to the door, he stopped and sighed very heavily, then turned and looked at me like there was something more he HAD to tell me. From his expression, it didn't look like it was going to be something that would be easy for him to say.

"Colleen, I'm sorry. There IS something else. I should not have waited to say this but I really didn't know how. I just wanted to see first how things were with us. I have debated on how to do this…" He sighed and looked right at me before continuing. "We can't …spend any more nights together." He just looked at me with a pained expression like it was the hardest thing he ever had to say to anyone.

I just looked at him. "You're going to do this NOW, as you're leaving? Wow…"

He just sighed. "I know and I'm REALLY sorry! I should have said this way earlier than now, but I …it's nothing you did, I promise. It is NOTHING that you have done, at all. We can't keep…it just isn't right."

I nodded. "Ok, yeah." _Just tell that to your dick…_

I just looked at him, having no idea what else to say. He's standing there, looking all gorgeous and shit and I can't even imagine the look on my face. When did he all of a sudden get ethical about this?

"Colleen, I'm so, SO sorry. I wasn't sure how to do this and I know that just totally sucked right then. I am so sorry. I really need to go. Can I please call you later? I really would like to see you later tonight. We can talk."

"Um, yeah, ok. Have a good day". Or whatever I said.

He looked straight into my eyes and took my hands, "You are so special to me. You know that, right? Our friendship is something that I absolutely treasure. Whatever happens, please remember that."

What guy talks like that?

I looked into his eyes and they were so sincere. I had never seen him like this, and I had seen him lots of different ways. This was new to me. I just wanted to drag him back over to the couch, throw him down and demand that he tell me what the hell was going on, because there was something he was holding back.

"James, it's ok. Let's just talk later." I hugged him and he turned to go.

I closed the door behind him and just plunked down at my dining room table. I had so many thoughts running through my head. Nothing I had said to him was a lie, but there was so much more I didn't tell him, that I couldn't tell him. And apparently so much more that he wouldn't tell me. But, he said what I had been thinking the whole time: it wasn't right what we had been doing. I wanted to know why he all of a sudden stopped everything but couldn't give me a reason. Did he meet someone else and just couldn't tell me? I cannot make myself crazy and rack my brain like this.

I took my Xanax and went to lie down. I just laid there and just thought way too much about way too many things until I was in tears. Too much insane emotion. I needed therapy or something. It was much easier when I thought I had my shit together…


	9. Chapter 9

Third person POV flashback:

_James was just about to eat breakfast when he heard his phone. He looked and saw that it was his bud. At 8:00 on a Saturday morning._

_"Hey, man, what's up? Kinda early for you."_

_"Uh, yeah, I didn't really sleep. Can I talk to you about something?"_

_"Of course you can. What's up?"_

_"No, like can I talk to you in person, just us two."_

_James got concerned. What would be so important that would be just between them?_

_"Sure, dude, do you want me to come over?" James asked._

_"Yeah, now would be good, if you can."_

_"Ok, I'll be there soon."_

_He didn't know what to think on the drive over there. Something was bothering his friend, which meant it was now bothering him, whatever it was._

_He got out of the car and went up and knocked on the door. His friend opened the door and let him in._

_"Thanks for coming over here so soon"_

_James looked at him, confused. He could tell his friend was really struggling with something and it started to worry him. He was ready to listen or talk or whatever._

_"Yeah, man, no problem. What's going on?" James asked as they sat down._

_His friend looked a bit uneasy and took a few seconds to speak. "Ok, this is may be a little bit sensitive, and I don't want you to get upset or pissed at me, but I want to talk about Colleen."_

_James raised his eyebrows, surprised. Oh shit, he thought, what is he getting at? His friend continued, "You've been hanging out with her and stuff, and I understand being private, but you haven't really talked too much about it. I was just wondering what exactly is going on…" His voice trailed off. He wasn't sure how to phrase what he wanted to say._

_James looked at him. "You want to know if there's something serious between us."_

_He looked up at James as if James had said exactly what he was scared to come out and ask him._

_"Well, yeah."_

_James pursed his lips together for a second and tried to think of the best way to do this. He didn't want to volunteer too much information but felt horrible being so secretive._

_He looked at his friend and just started slowly. "Colleen is amazing. We have a great time with each other, but it hasn't been a commitment type thing. I care about her, a lot. We aren't exclusively together, but we are very close. I asked her out and we've gone out, but the more I have gotten to know her…it's…well, I don't ever want her to be out of my life, but I just don't see us being together as an 'in-love' couple. Is that what you're worried about? That I was into something serious, and it would distract me from work, or cause problems? You don't need to worry; it isn't like that."_

_His friend looked at him completely surprised and asked. "And how does she feel about you?"_

_James thought for a second. "She's never really come out and said. I mean, I can't speak for her. I know I really should have an honest talk with her and just see where she thinks we stand. I mean, if she feels differently than about this than I do, I gotta know." His friend nodded in agreement. James looked curiously at him and assured him, "Look, it's fine. She and I have also have a professional, working relationship and I can't imagine that she would let anything mess up her career. Just tell me what it is that's bothering you so much. Is there a problem with her or something? You've gotten to know her pretty well lately; has she said or done something to upset you?"_

_James looked at him for a response, wondering if he somehow knew about Colleen and him. He was sure she wouldn't say anything to anyone. He was a little paranoid and very uneasy with this because he already felt guilty keeping secrets from his friends._

_His friend sighed and looked at him but didn't answer right away. Then he spoke. "No, there's definitely no problem with her; you've told me exactly what I want to know, but that isn't why I asked." He just couldn't look James in the eye, so he looked off to the side then up at the ceiling and sighed heavily._

_"Man, I'm just gonna put this out there. I'm in love with her."_

_James' eyes got wide and he felt like he'd been hit in the stomach. He never saw this coming._

_"Damn, man, are you sure? Seriously?" He knew he'd heard right though._

_He looked James straight in the eye. "I really am. And it is hard as hell for me to admit, but now I've said it and I mean it. And I don't know what the fuck to do about it."_

_This had hit him out of nowhere. He didn't know how Colleen felt about him exactly, and now his friend had just admitted that he loved her. At that moment, all James could think about was what had been going on between him and Colleen that nobody was supposed to know about. He hadn't told anyone because she works with everyone he works with and they know all of the same people. He wanted to protect her, but he knew he was going to have to admit this now. He figured his friends would eventually find out, but he hadn't really thought that far ahead when the whole "thing" got started. He had to be totally honest. Because if and when the truth did come out later, somehow or another, if he had kept this to himself, it would be the ultimate fuck up in so many ways, but he also knew he could never live with the guilt. He was horrified at the pain he might cause his friend to be in once he told him, but there was no other choice._

_James took a deep breath and readied himself for the worst._

_"Wow, man, I am just… thrown! Um…ok, remember everything I just told you, because it is all true. I honestly had no fucking clue you, or anyone for that matter, felt anything like this for her. And please forgive me, because I don't want to make this worse for you, but there is something I have to tell you..."_

_James got in his car and just sat for a minute. He couldn't believe what had just happened. He had to talk to Colleen and just get all this sorted out. Shit, what kind of mess was this that had simply started as two new friends getting together and enjoying each other's company? And which friendship would it eventually cost him? When he told the whole story, it was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. He never thought he'd be in a situation like this and it made him sick to his stomach._

_He closed his eyes and leaned his head back._

_"What the fuck have I done?"_


	10. Chapter 10

Colleen POV:

It was really late. I was in bed and was actually relaxed. He called not long after and said he really wanted to see me, and even though it was really late, I agreed. He was going to be over soon; I left the door unlocked so he could let himself in just in case I fell asleep waiting for him. I drifted off and didn't hear him come in the front door, but in my half sleep state could make out the sound of keys being put on the dining room table and his footsteps coming into the bedroom.

"Hey, Colleen", he said very softly.

"Hey." I whispered.

I sat up and looked at him. He looked very unsure. He sat down on the bed and didn't say anything. After that it was a bit of a blur; things were happening fast and I was too confused by everything that had gone on lately to even reason how or why it was happening, though I knew it probably shouldn't be. I was sitting up, he was up against me, his shirt was off and he was kissing me. My top was off too, and his hands were all over me. Then my panties were off, as was everything else he'd had on from the waist down. He laid me back onto the bed. He got on top of me, ran his hands over my breasts, and then down to my thighs. He slowly spread my legs open and put himself deep inside me and began to gently push in and pull back, in a slow and rhythmic motion. It felt so good. I lost track of how long this went on, and did not think I was going to be able to last any longer. And I didn't. I felt wave after wave of ecstasy taking over and I just gave in to it. I came so hard I thought I would pass out. Then he got harder and began to go faster, and just when I thought I couldn't take any more, he reached his. He threw his head back, while grinding into me as hard as he could, then let out some deep moans and breathed very heavily. When he was finished, he stayed still for a minute, catching his breath, his head still back and his eyes closed. I just rested my eyes on his body. Then, he looked down at me and his eyes looked right into mine, just gazing. He slowly pulled out and rolled over next to me, and whispered, "I love you …" I caught my breath and turned over to face him. After everything, I couldn't believe this was happening. I just stared at his beautiful face…

Then a fucking car alarm went off outside and woke me up from the hottest dream ever!

Son of a bitch! It was only 8:30 in the evening. I was alone in my bed, in my T-shirt and yoga pants, and yeah, that had all been a dream. A very vivid, realistic, amazing dream! I sat up a bit confused. I checked my phone and saw that James had called me three times. He probably thought I was ignoring him. I called him.

"Hey, there you are. I thought you were upset after this morning and avoiding me. I already ate dinner, though. I thought I wouldn't hear from you."

"Sorry, James, I fell asleep and didn't even hear my phone. I'll just see you tomorrow, if that's alright."

"Yeah, of course. I just want to make sure we're ok, Colleen. I'm sorry about this morning; I maybe could have handled it better. I never wanted to upset you."

"We're ok, really. Can we talk tomorrow?"

"Sure, sweetie. Have a good night."

"You too. Bye."

I put my phone down and then laid back down for a minute. I was trying to remember everything I could about my dream. Most of it was still fresh in my mind; it was so real. But there was something I was trying to remember about the very last bit of it. I remembered being next to him, and just thinking how beautiful he was as I looked at him. Then I did remember the very last thing before I woke up and it shook me up quite a bit.

It wasn't James.


	11. Chapter 11

James POV:

I was so nervous as I drove. The last few months the show had become so successful, the band had become so successful, the appearances, the publicity, the money that was starting to roll in, the attention; it was all surreal. It was also great and amazing, but overwhelming trying to handle my personal life with all of this and that had become a mess. I wanted to make sure that in all of this, I didn't hurt anyone I cared about. I had to deal with something that already had me on edge.

I knocked on the door, nervous.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey man, come on in."

I went in and sat down. I took a deep breath, then reached into my pocket and took out the small digital recorder and handed it over.

"Ok," I started, "I told you I was going to talk to Colleen. I felt so bad after I left here the other day. I... um…this is the conversation I had with her."

He looked at me strangely. "Is this a recording device? Man, what did you do? Did you bug her apartment? What the…?"

"No, I didn't bug it; I just had the recorder with me the whole time. Please just listen."

He looked at me, his eyes wide open and said, "Oh, yeah, I am TOTALLY listening! How the hell were you able to pull this off? She doesn't know you did this, right?"

I took another deep breath. "No, she doesn't know I did this. She was in the kitchen getting us some tea, and while she was in there, I took off my shoes, turned this on, and put it down in my shoe, then kind of pushed them under the end table where she wouldn't see them. We sat and talked. Then before I left, I asked for more tea and when she went back in the kitchen, I took it out, turned it off and put it back in my pocket. She had no clue and I feel guilty as fuck."

He just looked at me like he was waiting for me to keep explaining.

"Look, I would have relayed what she said back to you anyway. I wanted to be sure that I didn't misinterpret or forget anything she said, and I wanted you to know everything that was said, by her and me both. I knew I was going to be nervous and maybe not remember exactly how the conversation went down. So, after I left here the other day, I went to Staples and bought this damn thing. I called her that evening and asked if I could come over the next morning. I just wanted you to hear everything, so… it's there. My thoughts and feelings, her thoughts and feelings. Please listen to it alone, take as long as you want, then we can talk about it, or forget it entirely. Then THIS gets erased, and it NEVER HAPPENED, ok? I already feel fucking horrible enough about ALL of this…"

I looked at him and his expression was about as serious as mine was.

He looked at me for a minute, and then he seemed to understand. "So, to make sure that I was ok, you set her up?"

Well, technically I had. I felt like an even bigger asshole. I knew it was not right, but I had wanted to make sure I got everything for my sake and his. Nothing about any of this was easy.

"I wasn't trying to set her up. What's the difference between you hearing the whole thing here or me telling you the whole conversation verbatim? This is just THE accurate account…" I suppose that justified it, though I knew he was right.

"Well, for one thing, it's illegal in California. And if I listen to it, she could press charges against both of us if she ever found out. Not to mention how pissed and hurt she'd be if she knew you violated her privacy. But, ok. Wow. So, you planned this, but you couldn't have predicted how she would act when you were there, or what she would say or how it was going to go. Suppose it all just went to shit and ended badly? Then what?"

I just looked at the ceiling for a second, then back at him. "Then I would have felt even more like a complete fucking dick than I already do, erased the whole thing, and would have to figure out some major damage control to keep from hurting two people that I love. And I wouldn't be here handing this over for you to hear. Man, shit just gets complicated. I just want to be fair to everyone I care about. Just, listen to it. I'm gonna go. We'll talk later?"

"Yeah, ok, dude."

I left hoping I had done the right thing. Colleen and I had talked and tried to get everything out there. I know not everything was said; not by either of us, there was more to be worked out later. But the stuff that was said was honest. I was glad he could hear it for himself; he had to decide how to go about dealing with his feelings for her. I didn't want to see either of them hurt and I sure couldn't stand to think I'd had anything to do with it. I felt like a total asshole for doing this to Colleen, but it was fucked up situation. I also felt like an asshole for waiting until just before I left to tell her that we couldn't spend any more nights together, but I didn't want that part recorded because of her. It was too personal. I couldn't tell Colleen so many things she needed to know. This tore me up.

3rd person POV:

He looked at the recorder in his hand and felt his heart pounding almost out of his chest. He took a deep breath and pressed the playback button.

At first it was just muffled, rustling noises, then Colleen's voice, from a bit of a distance.

"It's peach flavored, hope you like it". Her voice just melted him. He felt guilty listening to a conversation she had that she didn't know was recorded, but since it was already done, he had to hear for himself.

Then her voice sounded nearer: "So, what's on the agenda for today?"

Then he heard James' voice: "I just thought we could hang out here, where it's quiet and just talk."

"OK, talking is good. What's our topic?"

"Well, us."

"Us... as in how?"

He listened intently to whole thing, more nervous than he thought he would be. He could see why James did this, and understood. So, they weren't committed. But, there was more to this than he thought there would be. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything to James, just kept all of this to himself. But, what's done is done. He couldn't imagine what James was going through right now, because it wasn't his fault either. He put the recorder in a drawer and called James.

"I listened to the whole thing."

"Are you ok?"

"Um, yeah. Can you come back over? And can you call the guys and get them over here, too? We should probably all make sure there are no other, um, issues. We won't even mention the recording. Are you ok with that?"

"Sure, dude, I'll call them now and be there in about an hour." James hung up, sighed heavily, and then made three more phone calls. He had to come clean about everything.


	12. Chapter 12

Colleen POV:

The album was finally finished and studio work was wrapping up for a bit and so was filming. The guys had just left to go on a three week mini-tour to promote the album. The show was a complete hit, and this whole thing was taking off so much faster than anyone had expected. The mini-tour would be using the pre-recorded back-up music that we had already done, so none of us from the band would need to be there. We'd have at least a month long break from the studio. I kept busy however I could: a few one-and-done jobs, the miscellaneous TV sound bites for another show, a demo for an up-and-coming female singer trying to get started, and lots of hours just playing by myself for the hell of it. I got settled into my new apartment near Santa Monica, got my tax info in order for my quarterly filing, caught up with family, e-mails, Facebook, and updated my website. I tried to fill what spare time I had with whatever I could so I wouldn't have to think about the things that were bothering me, the thoughts and feelings I couldn't control. But those thoughts and feelings were there anyway, no matter how busy I was.

I thought about the past year and all the craziness. The good times, the weird times, the difficult times, all of it. I had done and been through so much! The recording for the whole debut album and the music for the show; I even got cast as an extra in a few episodes. I got to know Kendall, Carlos and Logan a lot better, hung out with all the guys and some of their other friends when there was time, spent time with James, helped Kendall and Dustin with more of their songs and projects, had lunch several times with everyone, got to know the crew in the studio, went out for drinks with Rej, Devin and Mark, and had some jam sessions with them, had met pretty much all of the actors and actresses on the set, etc. I knew quite a few people on the lot at Paramount and had socialized with nearly everyone affiliated with BTR, at some point or another, and when it wasn't socializing, it was work. And in the midst of all that, there were a few details that HAD to be kept a secret. It was all a mind trip.

I needed a break that was actually spent taking a break. In the midst of trying to keep busy while they were gone for a few weeks, I figured I probably wouldn't even talk to any of them. But I could not stop thinking about him and all the time that had passed and things that had happened since I had met him. I tried for too many months to stifle these feelings I couldn't reveal and it was just not working.

It was the end of October and the guys were on their way back from the tour. I had kept up with some of their appearances and performances, but didn't let anyone know just how much I had kept up. The guys were really well known, and they were a hot commodity. The amount of teenage girls freaking out over them was just unreal. They were the shit now, and I wondered just how much it would affect friendships, working relationships, and this "image" they would have to maintain.

I got a call from Jay that we were all wanted back in the studio to work on some demos and new material; the guys would be there to do a few warm-ups and harmonies, so no real recording, just getting familiar with new stuff, working out the parts. I didn't ask him if the guys would be working with us, for obvious reasons. I was nervous as all hell not knowing what to expect.

We were due at the studio at 9:00 am on a Tuesday morning, and I thought the uneasiness in my stomach was going to be the end of me. _Get a grip, Colleen. This isn't middle school and you need to be an adult and DEAL with this._ I couldn't get him out of my damn head and was scared of how I might feel, or worse, act when I saw him. I thought of all the things I wish I had been able to say to him WAY before now, but it wouldn't have gone well. I didn't want to mess up a friendship, a working relationship, freak him out or chase him away. With the way things seemed to be turning out, I couldn't tell him or anyone.

I got there early, and saw four chairs in a semi circle near our set-up and realized they wouldn't be in the vocal booths, they'd be in the room with us, and it would be a real working session of getting to know the new material and trying it all out together before we did the separate recordings.

I sat down behind my kit, tuned up my snare, adjusted my cymbals and tried to look all business and such. I looked up as they were all walking in.

"Hey, guys!" I said, trying to be casual. _Oh god.. He is so beautiful. I can't deal with this. Do NOT cry..._

"Hey, Colleen!" They smiled and it was a series of hugs, hellos, how are you, etc.

Rej, Mark and Devin had each made their way in and chit chatted with the guys and me, then started plugging in and tuning up as the guys sat down looking at their sheet music. I glanced over my notes and tried to pay attention to what I supposed to be paying attention to.

Jay came in and said hello to everyone and said, "OK, everyone look over the notes. Guys, try it out with just Kendall's guitar, then let the band know when to come in and everyone just get to know this one and we'll see what changes need to be made. Ok, here we go."

He walked back in to the control booth.

Carlos looked up at the guys, "We ready?"

They all nodded and got started. They sounded great. They looked great. I was happy to be back working with everyone again. Aw, who the hell am I kidding here? He's the one I'm freaking over. When I listened to him sing, his voice was even more amazing than I had remembered. I had heard him sing a million times before, but this time it was like I had a whole new appreciation for him; his talent, his beauty, his personality, his ability to make me have to restrain myself from jumping on him.

After a few hours, lunch was brought in and we took a break and heard all about the tour and just all caught up with what we'd all been up to. I excused myself to the ladies room, popped a few Xanax, and was able to get through the rest of the day with just a bit more ease.

It had been a long day. We had been in the studio for about ten hours, running through several things, discussing ideas, making changes, getting familiar with the material and jamming out. I was able to get my parts down with no problems and maintain my focus, just as long as I didn't look at him or think about him. When the session was done, Jay came in and told us it had been great, and "go home and get some rest, we're back at it same time tomorrow!". Then he called the guys into the control booth for something and the rest of us were free to go. Rej, Mark and Devin left, but I took my time, sipping my water, picking my things up really slowly, messing with my phone, hoping to at least get to talk to James and let him know how much I had really missed him. He must have read my mind, because he came back in, came over to me and gave me a huge hug.

"I missed you so much!" he said.

"I missed you too. But DAMN, right?"

He smiled. "I know! It's been crazy, but this is what we have worked so hard for and it's actually happening! You're part of it too; of course you already knew that!" He gave me a kiss on the cheek then said, "I gotta go; I'm meeting the guys for dinner and then I gotta get home and crash. We will definitely catch up later."

I smiled, "Bye."

"Bye." I didn't really want him to leave, but I didn't say anything else.

I looked over at the control booth window as everyone else was leaving. Carlos, Logan and Kendall were all leaving and waved at me, smiling. I wished I had more time with them all today, talking, laughing, and pretending things were normal.

I sat down on the floor next to my kit, changed out of my drumming shoes and put my regular tennies back on. I packed up my sticks and put my notes back in my folder. I pulled out my ponytail and began fluffing my hair. I was so tired and distracted, that I hadn't heard the studio door opening and closing. I just happened to look up and he was standing right there, just looking at me.

"I think I may have left my phone in here." He was glancing around, looking kind of confused. I looked down and saw it on the floor, under the chair he'd been in earlier.

"Yeah, it's right there, under the chair." I said, pointing to it.

He reached down to pick it up. He stood back up and smiled then said, "Thanks! It was so great coming back and seeing you today. I forgot to tell you earlier; you really sounded amazing."

"Thank you. You did too; as always."

And there was that beautiful smile. "Ok, I am really leaving this time. I will see you tomorrow. Good night, Colleen."

"Have a good night." I said, as he smiled again and left. I watched the studio door close behind him.

_Alright, that is fucking it!_

I have had more chances than I care to admit to tell that man, and all of his friends for that matter, just exactly how I feel about him. But I couldn't. All the time I had spent with him; while working, while not working, this entire time just wanting him, in every single way that I possibly could want something, someone. I could no longer lie to myself or deny it, or make it stop. No matter what had been said, done, implied, understood, not understood, or whatever up to this point, I finally just accepted the fact that I was so hopelessly in love with him and had been the whole time. No matter what I did, those feelings were just not going to go away. Since the first time I laid eyes on him, right here in this exact room, in this exact spot, over a year ago, I could not make myself get over him. It really had been that long. It looked like things really may never be more than what they were and it was killing me. I tried my best to keep myself grounded, keep my emotions in check, and I hoped I had done well with that when I was around him, especially in front of everyone else, keeping work very professional, and when outside of work, just being the best friend I could possibly be to him, despite all of the things that had happened that I would have to deal with. I had tried so many ways to distract myself from facing the fact that I was in love with him and wanted him so much that it was almost physically painful. It was the times when I was alone, or got caught off-guard, that were the hardest.

After the door shut behind him, I just sat for a few seconds thinking about the sound of his voice just a few seconds earlier, his smile and those mesmerizing eyes. I took a deep breath and found myself in tears. I sat there for a few minutes and tried to control myself.

_You are so fucking beautiful, Kendall. I am so in love with you._


	13. Chapter 13

3rd person POV:

Colleen came out of the studio and started down the hall, wiping her eyes and trying to act natural. She figured everyone else was gone already, but if she could just make it out to her car, then she knew she would be home free to sob to her heart's content.

She was almost to the reception area, when she heard the door of the men's room open and someone coming out, just a few feet behind her. She felt a wave of panic. She knew her face was a mess and someone would notice. Oh, shit…she thought.

"Hey, Colleen, thought you were gone, honey." It was Carlos.

She stopped and took a breath, thankful it was only him. Maybe she could play this off. She wiped her eyes, turned around and smiled as best as she could.

"Hey. I'm going a bit slow. I'm just tired from session."

Carlos smiled at her, looked at her a bit more carefully, and then he looked concerned.

"What's wrong? You look like you've been crying. Are you alright?"

I am SO busted, she thought and needed to make up something quick.

"No, I …" she shook her head. "I'm ok. Thanks, though." She couldn't think of anything that would sound believable, so that would have to do. She stopped in front of the ladies' room, ready to retreat if needed.

"Ok, if you're sure. Have a good night." He smiled and looked at her for a few more seconds to see if she would say anything else. He had never seen her like this; she had been fine a few minutes earlier when he was leaving the studio.

"Thanks, Carlos." She patted his arm and went in to the ladies room so she wouldn't have to have an awkward walk out to the parking lot with him.

Carlos went out to the parking lot and got in his car. He drove a few blocks down the street to the restaurant where he was meeting the guys for dinner. He was really bothered by how upset Colleen looked and her reluctance to tell him why.

He went in and saw Kendall sitting at a booth, back in the corner. He walked over and sat down across from him.

"Where are Logan and James?"

"Logan had to run by the store to get something, he's meeting us soon, and James went to the restroom."

Carlos looked around then said quietly to Kendall. "Was Colleen still in the studio when you went back to get your phone?"

"Yeah, she was. Why?"

"No reason. I was just wondering if you talked to her."

"Just for a few seconds, then I said goodnight to her."

James came back and sat down and a few minutes later, Logan was there. They ate and talked, like they always did. Carlos was still not sure if he should say anything to anyone about Colleen. What could make her so upset in just the space of ten minutes that it would have her crying? Kendall surely hadn't said anything to upset her. James had been in there just before Kendall, and if he had upset her, Kendall would have noticed. But James certainly wouldn't do anything to upset her, either. Carlos kept his mouth shut, thinking he needed a female perspective on this.

Carlos POV:

After we got done eating, we were all sitting and just bullshitting, and I decided to go ahead and call it a night. I put a few ten dollar bills on the table, bid my buds a good night and headed out to my car.

On the way home, I couldn't stop thinking about Colleen. I had never seen her so upset over anything, so this really got to me. I thought of who I could call to maybe shed some light on why the girls cry all the time but won't tell us what the hell is wrong.

Once inside my house, I took off my shoes, sat down and called one person that I knew might be able to explain this and would give me a straightforward answer.

"Carlitos! What up, dude, and why are you calling my lady so late in the evening?" said Dustin, answering Melanie's phone. Melanie was smart and a very good judge of character. I knew she would tell me what I needed to know.

"Hey, Papi!" Melanie said when she got on the phone. She always sounded like she was smiling when she talked.

"Hi, Melanie. I'm calling because I need some girl advice, sort of."

"YOU need girl advice? YOU?"

"Well, I need some girl behavior explained"

"Ok, who was it and what did she do?"

"Well, today after session, we were all leaving, and Colleen was still in the studio, getting all her stuff together to leave. Me and the guys were out in the hall and had made plans to meet for dinner. James went in to talk to Colleen for a minute then he came out and left. Logan left too. Kendall realized halfway down the hall that he didn't have his phone and thought it might be in the studio, so he went back to get it; then he came out of the studio a few seconds later and left to go on to the restaurant. I went in to the restroom and when I came out a few minutes later, Colleen was just leaving. Everyone else was gone; she was by herself and she had been seriously crying. No one else was even around. Kendall had been the last one in the studio with her and he was already gone. I asked her if she was ok, and she said she was and tried to convince me she was, but I know she wasn't. She wouldn't say anything else. She had been fine a few minutes earlier before everyone left. Later, I asked Kendall if he talked to her when he got his phone. He said he talked to her for a few seconds then said goodnight. So, what the hell do you think happened?"

I heard Melanie chuckle, then sigh.

"Ok, I have a few theories. One: she stubbed her toe or bit her tongue or ran into something and it was really painful and she was too embarrassed to tell you. Two: she suddenly got a short phone call and received some very tragic news."

I listened, thinking these sounded kind of stupid. "Is there a third theory?"

"Yes there is, and this is the one I sincerely believe, given that this is Colleen and Kendall we're talking about and DAMN, how can anyone else NOT see this? Theory number three: It's Kendall! She won't admit it, but it's been SO obvious forever; she's in love with him, idiot!"

Yeah, I felt like an idiot. How could I not see this before? Colleen was so comfortable around James, Logan, Dustin, me, everyone. But around Kendall, she was a bit more reserved. Like a different version of herself. She seemed to take her time when answering questions and chose her words carefully when she spoke. And ANYTIME Kendall said ANYTHING, she was always very focused on whatever it was. I never thought of any of this before, never had noticed until thinking about it all now that Melanie had really brought it to my attention. I somehow felt uneasy knowing this.

Telling Kendall or James that Colleen was crying would just upset both of them. Telling Logan, then telling him to keep it from Kendall and James wouldn't be fair. And the fact I didn't say anything right after it happened would upset them more. I hate keeping secrets from them, but Colleen wouldn't tell me anything and Melanie had only given me an "opinion". Melanie had probably told Dustin, so I asked her to please not say anything to anyone. Melanie laughed, "I wouldn't get in the middle of this for anything!"


	14. Chapter 14

Colleen POV:

A few days later, I wasn't needed in the studio until 12:00. The guys were there, working on vocals and were mostly in the vocal booths; they had gotten there that morning and were just about to take a lunch break when I was coming in. I had gotten there early, so I stopped by the break room to get a bottle of water, sit for a while and check my e-mail on my phone. A few minutes later, Carlos came in with a big bag from Subway. He came and sat down with me. This was the first time I had seen him since the "hallway encounter". I wasn't going to say anything, but would he?

"Hey Colleen! You hungry?" He started taking all this food out of the bag.

"Sure."

He held up two sandwiches. "Roast beef or tuna?" I smiled and took the tuna and thanked him. He explained that he always gets an extra sandwich because there is always someone that can use it. I'm thinking that's the damn sweetest thing ever. Then I remembered Kim's "straight up fuck-a-licious" description of him and had to totally stifle a laugh and not choke.

"I'm glad to see you happy." he said. _Oh, here we go, he's gonna mention the other night in the hall._ I looked at his eyes and how they sparkled when he smiled. Carlos had never been anything but sweet and he was just concerned. But I hoped he wouldn't ask me again what was wrong, because I couldn't talk about it.

"Carlos, I'm ok, really. And thank you."

He wiped his mouth and got up to throw the food wrappers away. He came around to my side of the table. He leaned down and said quietly, "If you ever want to talk, about anything, I'm a good listener and I DON'T have to tell the guys everything I know."

Wha…?

He looked at the clock. "Oh, I need to get back in there. See you later." He smiled so very sweetly and kind of rubbed my shoulder.

I smiled and told him bye, quite freaked out by that. What did he mean, what did he know? Logan was getting a water bottle from the fridge and looked over at me. I was hoping he didn't hear what Carlos had just said.

"So, I see you got The Carlos Special."

"The Carlos Special?" Had he heard what Carlos just said?

"Yeah. Roast beef or tuna. He always orders both of his favorites and then gives one to someone else. I usually get a free lunch that way but today you beat me to it." he said, laughing.

I smiled at him. "Tuna".

He smiled. "Me too. I'll see you later." he said as he left.

The Carlos Special: free sandwich and an invitation to counseling. I felt like I could trust him; he was so sincere. It wasn't a trust issue, though. It was just that talking to anyone about Kendall freaked me out, and would be way more painful than I was ready for. And then there was the James factor…

I sat there thinking how lucky I was to have the best job in Hollywood and with the coolest guys ever, but that I had never expected to get so personally involved like this with any of them and in such a complicated way. For now, it was not affecting anyone's work, and it didn't seem to be affecting friendships. But it was ripping me apart.

I got up and as I was coming out of the break room, I saw Kendall at the end of the hallway with Sherie. She hugged him and said, "I'll see you later." I turned around and walked a little faster so they wouldn't see me and think I was watching them, plus I REALLY did not want to see them kiss. I ducked into the ladies room and stayed in there long enough that Kendall would have already made it back to the studio and wouldn't see me acting like a dumb-ass.

I stood by the sink and took a deep breath. _That!_ That is what had me so fucked up. I didn't know much about her, but after I had heard Kendall on the phone with her when I first started the job, then had seen them together a few times since, I knew he was a lost cause. I had spent more than a year trying to get over him and had failed. I am not the type to go after anyone else's man, even if it is someone I don't know very well. Not to mention the fact that HE is with HER, and so that must be what he wanted. She was really pretty; typical California blonde, skinny, tan, big boobs. She looked sweet, though. I just stood there in the restroom, hiding like an idiot, feeling like an idiot.

I wanted Kendall so fucking bad I couldn't stand it. I just wanted to scream and punch something.

It was pathetic.


	15. Chapter 15

One day, a bunch of us were at Logan's new house in Sherman Oaks, just hanging out, kind of like a get-together and house warming party combined. I knew just about everyone there. Kendall would be there with Sherie and I would have to act like, well, someone that was not in love with him. I had to do my best.

I was sitting in a chair in the living room, gabbing with Melanie, and a few other girls. We were just talking girl talk; makeup, shoes, tampons or whatever. James was outside with a few other guys; they were doing some sort of sport-game-dare-guy thing that involved running, laughing, yelling, or whatever immature shit that guys do when they all get together. I looked around and saw Kendall and Sherie walking out to the back yard. God, he looked beautiful. _Don't stare._ I was a bit distracted, and then I felt something freezing as all fuck on the back of my neck, my back and shoulders; it quickly got me out of my trance. I looked up and saw Carlos pouring a cup of ice water on one of the other girls. She and I both kind of shrieked, and I whipped around to see Logan laughing, holding a cup. Then he said, "Oh, shit!" and took off running. Carlos was getting his ass pummeled by three girls and laughing like he was really enjoying it. I jumped up and ran after Logan "Oh, you're going DOWN, bitch!" I yelled. Of course I thought it was funny and watching him run was hilarious!

I chased him out into the yard past James, Kendall, Sherie, Dustin and a few other people that were hanging out by the pool. They were laughing and cheering me on. Just as I caught up to Logan, he tripped and went down. I couldn't stop fast enough and fell right on him. I banged the living shit out of my leg, and may have smushed him when I landed on him, but it was all so funny, I didn't notice the pain right away. We both started laughing and he explained that he and Carlos had both just lost a bet and that was their punishment. Then he told me that there was another bet going on whether he or Carlos would get his ass kicked the worst. I looked over at everyone laughing; it was great not being so focused on work and just getting out and being immature for the hell of it.

Logan and I sat in the grass for a few minutes. I was rubbing my leg which was hurting like son of a bitch and shaking off my t-shirt, which was soaked, freezing cold and clinging to me. My nipples were so hard from the cold water that they were hurting. I was glad I was wearing a dark shirt.

Logan looked at me and said. "I am so sorry! You can use one of my shirts. And if you want to get even with me later, I understand."

I laughed. "It's ok. I have a spare shirt in my car, no big deal."

He smiled. "You know, you are absolutely awesome." He flashed me that adorable smile and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Thank you."

Just then Carlos came running out of the house and ducked behind James and Kendall.

Logan and I were just kind of laughing, watching everyone. I turned back to look at him and he was still just looking over at his friends. He looked back to me and had a sincere look on his face.

"I know it may not look like it, but he is really in love with you. He admitted it and…oh, hell…I should probably just shut the fuck up right about now..."

I must have had the deer-in-headlights look on my face. I didn't say anything; I couldn't say anything. What the hell was Logan talking about; what did he know? What the hell did anybody or everybody know; because nobody was letting on that they knew anything. Did James tell him what had happened with us, was that what he meant?

Someone yelled outside to all of us, "Pizza's here!" I looked over and a few of the people that were outside headed back in to the house, then I looked back at Logan.

Logan looked at me and sort of tried to think of what to say next. "Oh god, I should not have said anything at all to you. It's just…" he looked down for a second, then back up at me. His eyes were really dark and intense. "Whatever happens, Colleen, I hope you end up happy."

Just then, James came over to us and said "Hey, pizza's here…Colleen, are you ok?" Two things I ABSOLUTELY suck at: reading people and having a poker face.

"Oh, yeah. I'm just cold and I might have broken my leg…" I looked over at Logan as if to say 'this conversation is not over!'

Logan got up quickly. "Yeah, Colleen has some unfinished business with me later", he said while they both helped me up. Logan and I both knew what he meant, but James just took it as me making sure Logan got his payback for his little prank.

I went out to my car and got my emergency tote bag and brought it in the house. I went in to the bathroom, found a towel and dried off, then put on another shirt and bra. I brushed out my hair and touched up my powder and lip gloss. I was pretty freaked out by what Logan said and more freaked out that there had been guy talk that I was the subject of. Was James in love with me? I thought about what Logan had told me that day he was taking me home after we had dinner, when he made the comment that James was lucky. I am so bad at figuring out what people are trying to say sometimes, and my imagination is overactive enough as it is. We all know there's that "bro code" thing but if we all just act normal and they can pretend they don't know and I can pretend they don't know then we'll all be just groovy. And how do I deal with James? He seemed pretty straightforward about us the day that we talked and the dynamics of our relationship had changed, so what the hell? And so far, I thought I was keeping my feelings for Kendall pretty well guarded, still not knowing what the hell to do about that either.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed some pizza and a drink and rejoined everyone. I tried not to look at anyone with any kind of look that anyone could take the wrong way depending on what anyone knew. I was a bit paranoid but played it off. I didn't know what was said, and it had probably been said in strict confidence and Logan was probably committing some sort of violation by telling me this much. Maybe he was wrong anyway. So, I decided to just drop it, observe everyone and everything as unbiased as I could (ha ha) and just wait to see what happens. I looked over at Kendall; he was laughing at something that Dustin had said. Dammit, the man was just so fucking beautiful when he smiled and laughed! I didn't see Sherie anywhere, so I allowed myself to look at him for a second longer. I quickly took my eyes off of Kendall before anyone caught me and looked over at James. I smiled and he gave me a huge smile back. Shit…

Later, things were winding down. Everyone was leaving. I offered to stay and help Logan clean up, but he said he was too tired to mess with it and was just going to go take a nap and that Carlos had already volunteered and would be back later. He hugged me and thanked me and just looked at me for a second to see if I would say anything else about earlier. I smiled and didn't say anything and I think he knew that I was just going to let it go for now. I said bye to everyone, as we were all leaving at about the same time anyway. I was in my car, about to pull out onto the street when I saw Sherie and Kendall leaving in her cute little sports car. I took a deep breath and just kind of watched them, wondering where they were going, what they would be doing. I really needed to stop doing this to myself.

What is it about being in love with an unavailable man that can make a grown woman feel like a stupid little kid?


	16. Chapter 16

We'd been in the studio almost every day for a few weeks and some days the guys were there and some days they weren't. It was so much easier when they weren't there. I was now even more distracted than I was when I first met them. It was hard to look at them and not think of everything that happened and how I felt about each of them; about things that they knew, about things that I hoped no one knew. It was hard to look at James because I wondered what the hell was really going on with him. Things were still good with us, and he was making a huge effort to make sure that I knew he cared about me. I knew he did and I felt a little pang when I looked at him. But it was NOTHING like what I felt when I looked at Kendall. I could barely look at or think about Kendall without almost bursting into tears. The two of them in the same room was more than I could take because I just wanted to be able to get over ALL of this. Logan was sure being friendly to me lately, and knew something, but what was that all about? Carlos was just always his sweet self, no matter what happened and he was ready to lend an ear. I think by that point, out of all of them, I was the least intimidated by him. I almost wanted to get all of them in a room and just say, "OK, guys, what the FUCK? How do I deal with ANY of you?", but that would be pretty hypocritical of me when I couldn't even figure out what to do with myself. I think what also made things so hard was that I knew how close they were; if you got one of them, you got all of them. As great as it was, it could complicate things.

It was so much easier in the beginning when I didn't know them.

This particular day, we had just finished recording some tracks. This day had been all business and now we were done. The guys had been in earlier, and I saw them a few times but then they left to work on choreography and I didn't see them again the rest of the day. While everyone else was leaving, I got up to go the ladies room and left my stuff next to my kit to so I wouldn't have to lug it all in there with me.

When I got back and started to pack up my things, I looked down and there was what appeared to be a note scotch-taped to my stick bag. It was plain white paper, folded in half and had nothing on the outside.

I stood up and looked around and didn't see anyone around. _Okay, I have only been gone for a few minutes, how did…what the?_

I put it in my purse and thought I would just read whatever it was when I got home. I went by the drive thru at McDonald's for my junk fix and headed home.

I sat at my table and ate and I remembered the note in my purse. I got my purse and took it out. I was kind of nervous opening it up.

_Colleen,_

_First let me start this off by admitting to you that I am a total chicken-shit, which is why I am putting all of this down on paper for you to read when I'm not around. For the record, this was not my idea, but I don't have the balls to do this any other way right now._

_I really care about you and I want you to know just how much. The longer I have known you, the more I realize how much I wish I could redo the past several months and get back all of the time I have wasted when I could told you this known so much sooner._

_It took everything I had to finally figure myself out and how to approach you with this. Then work just got in the way and we all got so busy. The timing was not good with everything that was happening and I certainly didn't want to make things difficult for you. I also knew that I was still a chicken-shit._

_I just need to cut all the crap and face you, honestly._

_I would love to see you tomorrow, just to talk, and maybe see which way things could go. If you don't want to, then that's ok. I won't even mention any of this and I certainly won't think any less of you._

_Hopefully tomorrow?_

_Starbucks on South Barrington Court, 11:00-ish._

It wasn't signed. Damn. I was seriously speechless and there was way too much speculating going on in my mind. I read it again. Wow…

I knew I would definitely be going to meet whoever this was. I mean, there weren't a whole hell lot of people it could have been, considering the way it was written, it was someone that I knew well, someone that was totally putting himself out there. I sat and thought about who this could be, and had some ideas, mostly thinking maybe it was James, but since I usually suck at reading into things, especially with all that was going on with all of us, I just had to wait. I hoped I could handle it; my feelings had been absolutely fucked up lately and this could either be a good distraction, or some major awkwardness.


	17. Chapter 17

I had been sitting in Starbucks for about 15 minutes, waiting and looking around, half drinking my frozen-blended-mocha whatever, wondering if I was going to be stood up by the self confessed "chicken-shit". I had gotten there a bit early and went ahead and paid for the minimum two-hour parking, just so I wouldn't get towed though I obviously had no idea how long I would be there or what was going to happen. I wasn't so much nervous as I was numb. My emotions had already been abused enough lately, so what the hell else, right? I had read the letter a few more times while waiting, and then put it away. I'd be finding out soon enough.

I looked at my phone; it was five minutes after 11:00. I was going to give him another 20 minutes, then planned to go over to Bellacures and get a mani/pedi, for my troubles, if he turned out to be a no show. Just then, my phone chimed, and it was a text from a number I didn't recognize or have in my contacts. I had everyone's number in my phone, so this had me perplexed.

"Hey Colleen, please come out to the parking lot."

That was all it said. _Ok, what's with all the secrecy, Mr. Mystery Date?_ I got up, not wanting to be annoyed. Why couldn't he just come inside and meet me there? Probably because it was starting to get noisy and crowded. Alright, here I go.

I went out to the parking lot and looked around not knowing which way to go. I looked over to the left and just a little ways down and ...was that James' car? And then I saw James getting out and looking over at me. _What? WHAT? Oh, shit, what is this?_ Did he decide he really did love me way more than he admitted and now wanted there to be more? I didn't think this whole thing could possibly get any more messed up than it already was.

Not really sure how to react, I took a deep breath. I thought he had already told me what he felt, but did it change? Had he just been gauging things all along to see how I would react? Was he really that nervous he had to write me this note? I just looked at him. How was THIS going to turn out? I cared so much about James, but I was in love with his best friend and always had been, and already felt horrible enough that I couldn't be honest enough to tell either one of them. So, I sure couldn't fault him if this was the way he wanted to do this. I wasn't really sure what I expected when I showed up there; I didn't want to hurt anyone. But, come ON! _James?_ I would rather slit my own damn throat than to screw James over.

He walked around the back of his car, but rather than coming toward me, he was on the passenger side, doing something, but the car parked on the right of him was blocking my view and I couldn't see. Was he getting something out of the car? He stood up, still at the passenger side but even from the obstructed view, I could see part of the passenger door, and that it was still closed. Um… huh?

Then the passenger door opened and someone was getting out. I still couldn't see who it was. _Ok, did he bring back-up?_ I couldn't see much, but it looked like James gave whoever it was one of those "Go get 'em bro!" shoulder pats. He walked back around to the driver's side, turned and smiled at me, really sweetly, then got in and… was leaving?

I walked a little closer, a lump forming in my throat because I didn't know what the hell was going on. I have GOT to stop jumping to conclusions! Ok, it seems someone else had written me that completely sincere, heartfelt letter that would totally melt any girl's heart and now he's here; James just dropped him and left him here with me and I still couldn't see who it was. _What is the deal with these guys; they sure know how to fuck with a girl's fragile emotions!_

He stepped out from behind the parked car and faced me.

_Oh my god. It's Kendall._

_OH MY GOD, IT'S KENDALL!_

I froze and damn near dropped my drink.


	18. Chapter 18

3rd person POV flashback:

_After telling Kendall the details about his relationship with Colleen, James couldn't feel any sicker to his stomach than at that moment. He would never betray Kendall; he was like a brother to him. The pain he felt from what he thought he had done to Kendall was unbearable. Kendall was quiet for a minute, and then spoke:_

_"You had no way of knowing how I felt about her. How would you have known? I'm still kind of with Sherie, but it is really going nowhere. She isn't serious about me any more anyway. I started to develop these feelings for Colleen. It was gradual, but got stronger over time. I tried to fight them, mostly because I thought the two of you were together or dating, or whatever. I wanted to just suck it up and try to forget about her like that. I waited for you to share more information about your time and relationship with her and when that didn't happen, I just had to know. I found myself constantly thinking about her, looking at her, and becoming so attracted to her. By the time I realized what I was really feeling, I knew I couldn't do a damn thing about it if she was already with you."_

_James took a deep breath. "Kendall, man, if I'd had ANY idea, at all, that you felt like this…" his voice trailed off and he thought he might actually cry. He thought he'd screwed over a brother and used an amazing girl just for sex. Now he couldn't deal with thinking he'd done either of those things._

_James continued, "I liked her so much when I first met her. I wasn't sure how she felt about me, though. I was confused. She and I … it just sorta… happened. More than once. And things were still cool between us. I knew she was special and that I really cared about her, but that I probably was not THE guy for her. But if I had known for one second, ANY OF THIS, it would never have happened. I am so sorry…"_

_Kendall reached over and hugged James. "Come on, man, don't. It's not your fault. I couldn't say anything before now. I haven't figured out the best way to end whatever it is Sherie and I do or don't have going, either. I really don't want to hurt Sherie, but I don't love her like I once did, or thought I did. Even the last couple of times we had sex, however the hell long ago that was, I was thinking about Colleen. The whole time. How the fuck could I admit THAT to anyone, especially if you and Colleen were in a relationship?"_

_Kendall stopped, sat back and breathed deep. He wasn't as upset as he thought he might be when he really thought about it. When he met Colleen, the feelings he now had for her hadn't developed right away. It was just, over time, he found himself thinking more about her and couldn't help it. He'd watch her while they were in the studio, he tried not to stare too much at her while they were all out together or at someone's house hanging out. The days she was there with him at Dustin's house, working on their music with them, she was sweet, easygoing, totally professional, and just so damn beautiful! He felt it was wrong to feel like that about her, especially if she and James were about to start a relationship, or already in one, and while he was supposed to be in one, himself._

_James just looked at Kendall, who was deep in thought. He still felt like a dick, but knew he technically hadn't done anything wrong; he would still need to do what he could to fix this and hope for the best. He felt even worse that Kendall had tortured himself thinking he was betraying James by being in love with Colleen._

_"Kendall, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am and how sick I am thinking I might have kept you from her."_

_"James, that isn't how I see it. It's ok…"_

_"Yeah, but if it wasn't for me, maybe you..."_

_"No, James, don't. Please don't. It's…we're good, bro. We're good."_

_Kendall POV flashback:_

_I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes, finally allowing myself to think about Colleen without feeling guilty. She was so beautiful. Her long, dark wavy hair that looked so soft I just wanted to run my hands through it. The way her blue eyes lit up when she laughed or smiled. Her smooth skin that, unlike most of the girls in LA, wasn't tanned into melanoma. The curve of her hips and the roundness of her breasts when she wore her pink t-shirt and faded jeans. Her sense of humor when she laughed at something that most girls would find offensive, and the ability to be the only female in a room full of guys and hold her own with all of us, not just professionally, but in general. I had fallen so hard for her._

_"Don't waste any more time or make this worse for yourself…"_

_"God, man, I can see in your eyes when you talk about her, just how much she's gotten to you. If you feel this strongly about her, do something!"_

_"Forget everything else up until this point. Think of how to end things with Sherie as easily as you can, for her sake as well as yours, and just talk to Colleen…"_

_I could still hear my friends' words and encouragement when I told them what I was now able to get off my chest. James had called Carlos and Logan to have them meet him over at my apartment and they already knew everything before they got there. Before they all got there, I had called Dustin, just to talk, but he wasn't surprised; James had already called him too, and Dustin and Melanie pretty much had suspected how I felt about Colleen earlier, but left me alone to "figure this shit out for myself" as Melanie had put it._

_James and I knew that it would all be cool between us and that history was history. I really hated that we had to compromise Colleen's privacy by telling everyone else everything and I knew that James felt the same. We just wanted to make sure that nobody else had feelings for her, though, and just to kind of read everyone in, just in case things turned out weird later. Even though I knew they wouldn't do anything with that information, there was no easy way to do this. They were supportive of James and me both, knowing that this was really nobody's fault. As much as we're like brothers, I'd like to think that we're not pigs that "screw and tell" and I know James was trying to be discreet for Colleen's sake and to respect her. In all fairness, Sherie and I were still technically a "thing", so James hadn't done this knowing what I felt for Colleen. I tried not to have any mental image of James and Colleen in bed together, but it was just kinda there in my head. I couldn't tell anyone that. It shouldn't be any different than if Colleen had been with anyone else. I'm sure she had her reasons for whatever she did; it was her business and it would never change how I felt about her, no matter how this turned out. Nobody in this situation was in a place to judge, and nobody would._

_I was relieved to know that I hadn't been lusting after my best friend's girlfriend like I was afraid I had been, but now I had to figure out how I was going to show my interest and not have it come back to bite me in the ass. I needed to tell her. It was bothering me how much I was in love with her, and I needed to tell her, but I did not have the balls. Logan had this idea about writing her a letter. I thought that sounded silly, but when I thought about it, putting my feelings down on paper, it wasn't too different than songwriting. I could make it exactly the way I wanted it to sound. I could take my time and spend as long as I wanted for it to be perfect then I wouldn't even have to be there when she read it. I thought about it and decided that it might be worth a try. I would need to figure out how and when to give it to her and what to do after that. It would come to me, but first I had to get my thoughts down, now that I could finally deal with them. There was one thing I had to do first._

_I picked up my phone and called Sherie, feeling like an asshole, but knowing I was doing her a favor. I hadn't seen her in about three days and hadn't even talked to her. She answered and in the background I could hear noise and laughter._

_"Hey, Kendall. Um, what's up?"_

_"Hi, Sherie. I was just wondering if we could talk. Would you like to get dinner or something?"_

_"I'm in Colorado."_

_Colorado? What the fuck…_

_"Oh. You didn't tell me that you were going. Vacation or something?"_

_"Something like that. No, I didn't tell you; it was kind of a last minute thing. We've both just been so busy. Can I call you when I get back in two days?"_

_She sounded like she was too preoccupied to even talk to me, which seemed to make this easier in some weird way. The background noise of talking and laughing probably had everything to do with it._

_"I really need to talk you before then. It's kind of important."_

_She didn't say anything for a few seconds, then I didn't even hear the background noise._

_"Ok, Kendall. I had to find someplace quieter so I could hear you better. Look, before you say anything else, I'm just going to say this: I like you, you're a great guy, but things with us…well, they're just not what they were. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was going on this trip, I just kind of feel like we're not really so much a part of each other's lives. Don't you agree?"_

_She was beating me to this. I honestly didn't care that I was getting dumped, I was relieved._

_"Yeah, Sherie, I really do."_

_"So, do you still want to talk when I get back, or was that kind of what it was about?"_

_"No, I don't think there's a need for it. You pretty much think the same thing I do. Have a great time in Colorado. Be safe."_

_"Ok, thanks Kendall. Bye." And she hung up before I could say anything else._

_That went even easier than I thought. I really didn't feel like an asshole at all after that, except I was a bit pissed that we couldn't have done this sooner and that so much time had been wasted. It was partly my fault, though. But now that she's OBVIOUSLY ok with this, I could get back to what truly had my attention._

_I sat down at my computer and thought of the best way to start this. Then there was one more thing I hadn't thought of until right then: I had listened to the recording James had illegally made, and heard everything that was said, but it didn't mean that Colleen couldn't be in love with him and just wouldn't admit it to him._


	19. Chapter 19

Colleen POV:

I stood there for a few seconds just looking at Kendall in utter disbelief, but then it all made so much sense that I felt like I had just been bitch-slapped. Logan had been referring to Kendall that day at his house when we were sitting in the grass. This was why James and I could never spend another night together, because of Kendall. Maybe this was why Carlos wanted to talk; maybe he wanted to tell me. Kendall had seemed pretty quiet around me lately, but not so much that I thought anything was wrong. Of course, I was so nervous around him, I hadn't really thought much about it until right this second, and… OH SHIT!

There could be no way that he DIDN'T know about me and James. I was sure of it.

I tried to smile as he started walking toward me. I just happened to be standing behind my car, so I leaned against it and just let him come over to me.

My inner 12 year old was squealing like an idiot (Kendall!), but then my inner 12 year old immediately ran away because this was about to get quite serious and probably very painful. I closed my eyes and felt a degree of guilt that I had never experienced. I'd had no idea Kendall felt anything for me; what about Sherie? Because if I had known he felt anything for me, I would have seriously thrown myself at that man so fast and he could have been the one banging me, not his best friend. Yes, there are consequences to each and every single thing we do, no matter what it is or who may or may not know, thank-you-very-much! That had never been truer than at that moment.

"Hey." He smiled kind of unsure when he got close to me. I just looked into his beautiful green eyes and it took every ounce of strength and willpower I had not to start crying right then. I cannot believe this, how could I mess up something LIKE HIM before it even gets started?

"Kendall, hey…"

"Would you like to go somewhere and talk?" he said.

"I really would. It's getting crowded in there, though." I motioned over to Starbucks. And how long before someone recognizes him?

"We can walk over to Lemonade. I'll buy you lunch."

We walked around the corner to the café that had just opened for lunch. We sat down with our food and I was almost too nervous to eat. And here we go…

I looked at him. "I thought you had a girlfriend".

"I thought you and James were together."

"Yeah, Kendall, about James..."

"I…know."

"Of course." I sighed.

I looked down and sat quiet for a few seconds. Wow, did I ever feel like a fucking slut! OF COURSE James told Kendall; I would expect nothing less of James than to be honest with Kendall, however the hell that had come about. Oh my god…James…that had to be the most difficult conversation ever and I really wanted to know how it started.

I looked back at up at Kendall. "And, Carlos…Logan…Dustin…do they..?"

He took a deep breath and kind of looked away from me like he felt some sort of remorse, like he didn't want to answer the question.

Yep! They all knew. But none of them ever let on or treated me any differently, especially Kendall. It made me feel even worse. What kind of predicaments had I put everybody into here? I tried to just breathe and keep my cool, though on the inside I wanted to drop to the floor and apologize, sob and grovel like an idiot.

But, even with what he knew, here he was. He still wrote me that totally heartfelt letter and he still wanted to see me today.

He started, "I was with Sherie for quite a while. I really liked her, at one time I thought I loved her, but it never really got any more serious after the first few months. She was someone to hang out with, and someone for the occasional hook up. She was sweet and I didn't want to hurt her but I knew I would have to end things with her because there wasn't much there.  
"The more I saw you each time we were all in the studio working; I just became more and more interested. But I didn't say anything to anybody. When I asked you to work with Dustin and me on our Heffron stuff, of course it is because you are an amazing drummer, but also because I just wanted to know you, to spend more time with you, wanted any reason for you to be around. I was really becoming attracted to you. But when I would see you and James talking, and joking and hanging out, he seemed so happy around you and you seemed so happy around him. And if you and James were together, I knew I had no business. But he never really talked about it. So, I called him and told him I wanted to talk. He came over, just him, and he told me pretty much everything, because I asked him. I know that was a hard thing for him to do. James can be private and discreet about stuff, but couldn't be dishonest if he wanted to, and he wouldn't keep anything from me that I would want to know. And Carlos, Logan and Dustin, well, they know because…"

He stopped and looked at me.

"Because you're all like brothers and that's understandable. Kendall, it's ok. The thought of me being the one to fuck up anything between any of you, I can't even…" I looked away for a second then back at him.

He was looking at me with the sincerest expression on his face. Ok, stop it with those eyes, dammit!

I started, "James and I talked. He wanted to know what I thought about him and me, if I thought we were together, how I felt. He said that he was ok with me dating whoever I wanted to, that he didn't think he was the guy I was looking for or something like that. It seemed that neither of us felt like we were committed to each other, but we felt closer than just friends somehow. There had been some nights that… I was lonely, maybe he was too. I was confused about… a lot of things, and he was always there. But since the day he and I had that talk, we never spent another night together. God, Kendall, I sound like such a whore."

He put his hand on mine. "No, you don't. You sound like a human being. And James told me pretty much the same thing and he thought he had really fucked up with you and me both. I told him I knew it wasn't like that. I felt like it wasn't fair to Sherie that she no longer had my full attention, even if she didn't care. I felt like a traitor to James because I thought you were about to be his girlfriend, if you weren't already and I was not supposed to feel the way I did. I felt like a pig and a fucking backstabber. Sherie ended it with me anyway, not because of any of this, but because there just really wasn't much between us like we had thought at one time, and she knew it too. Wanting to get to know you got to be more important to me than trying to make whatever I had with her work. Colleen, I never felt about her the way I feel about you." He looked right at me.

Oh, he did NOT just fucking say that!

I always imagined if, EVER, the day I heard that from him, I'd be fucking bouncing around like Tigger or something. Not sitting in a public place, trying to keep my cool, totally suffering the consequences of something I had done, something that I KNEW was wrong when I did it. I had never been so damn sorry about anything in my entire life.

He looked down, took a deep breath and looked up at me. "I understand what it's like to be confused, dealing with feelings about people, wanting to do the right thing and sometimes there is no right thing. We have all been there. This will never change how I see you.  
"I really hope I'm not making you uncomfortable telling you this. I had no idea how I was going to do this, and then Logan came up with this crazy 'letter' idea." He laughed and shook his head, then continued, "I told him it was a chicken-shit way of doing this and he said to just admit that too, that you would find it 'endearing'."

I still was in shock that he had written that for me.

"Kendall that letter almost made me cry. It was the sweetest thing ever."

"I was so worried that it would creep you out and you wouldn't be here today. James said he'd bring me and if needed, he'd wait with me." That made me feel even worse about James. I really needed to talk to him.

Kendall continued, "I just wanted to tell you this, Colleen. I don't know what I expected from you. I actually don't expect anything, but I just wanted you to know. "

I was still holding back my tears and he looked more nervous than I had ever seen him. We had already finished eating and we were just sitting there.

He just kind of shook his head and laughed. "I had no idea this conversation was going to get this serious." I certainly knew it would.

The lunch crowd was coming in and it was getting noisy. Then I heard a girl's voice from a few feet away, whisper not so quietly, "Oh my god! Look over there!" I glanced over and she had her phone out, about to snap his picture. He looked up, saw her, and even though he was in the middle of this heart-wrenching conversation, he put on a big smile for her. He then looked at me with a softer smile, his eyes fixed on me.

"Kendall, I think we should go."

"Yeah, I agree."

We got up and the girl came over to him and asked to take a picture with him. I went over and stood by the door and watched as he posed with her while her mom took their picture. Then he gave her a hug. He had been emotional and nervous mere seconds before this, but he didn't let that affect how he treated one of his fans. I think I fell even more in love with him right then.

When we got outside, he stopped and said, "Oh, yeah…I don't have my car. James brought me."

"Yeah, was he supposed to pick you up or something?"

"No, he had somewhere to be later today, but Carlos, Dustin and Logan are all on standby."

Yep. Thick as thieves these guys were. Nothing would ever come between them.

"Kendall, wherever you want to go so we can finish talking, I'll take you."

He just looked at me. "You still want to keep talking, you're ok with this?"

Dude, this is just the beginning…

I smiled and looked around while I thought for a second. "I would like to keep talking, yeah. Someplace quiet and a lot more private."

He smiled but still looked nervous. We got in the car and I looked over at him while he was texting.

Shit was about to get real now, because we were nowhere near done with all this.

He looked at me as we were leaving the parking lot, and he seemed glad to not be out in public any more.

"So, where to?" I asked him.

"We can go to my apartment, if you're ok with it." He said, looking at me.

"Ok, that would be good."


	20. Chapter 20

We didn't really talk seriously on the way over, just chit chat, since it was not a long drive. When we got there, I went in, pulled off my shoes and dropped onto the couch, already feeling like I'd been through it. He was about to know everything soon, and I needed to try to just chill and stay calm.

He got us both a drink and sat down with me.

I got this weird déjà vu feeling remembering James and I talking not so long ago.

"So…" I said.

"So, I seriously thought you would not show up, that this would all be weird, creepy love letter and all, but you did and now you're… at my apartment, even after what I just told you. Apparently, this is not freaking you out."

"Kendall, that letter was not creepy, it didn't freak me out. Of course I was going to show up; I didn't want to leave whoever it was that took the time and effort to do something so sweet, you know, just hanging. But I just thought that either way I would end up hurting someone's feelings."

He just looked at me. "Why?"

I couldn't answer him. _Dammit, stop being so fucking beautiful! I can't think!_

He looked really seriously at me and said, "It's because you ARE in love with James and couldn't admit it."

I sighed. I was not prepared for this scenario one bit.

"I'm not. I was never IN love with James. I …" I had trouble catching my breath and could hardly get the words out.

"Or you already knew it was me, you're not interested and we just keep it like it was. It's ok, I understand."

"No, Kendall, you really don't understand."

"Ok, then it seems I don't..."

"Trust me, I had no idea it was you. I thought that maybe it was James; that he felt more for me than I was able to feel for him, and he just couldn't tell me or something. I didn't want to hurt him; I care so much about him, but I'm not in love with him. Then I was worried I was going to have to let else someone down gently today. I had some pretty messed up reasons…"

"Messed up reasons?"

He looked really puzzled. I was so damn nervous and so scared I was going to start hyperventilating. My heart was beating so fast. I just looked at his face, at his eyes._ Please don't let me fuck this up; he didn't even have to give me a chance after all that's happened, but he did._

I had never seen a person look so confused, yet intrigued. This was going to be so hard and I had no idea what he was going to think of me after this. I hadn't elaborated too much when we talked in the restaurant, but he deserved to know everything. I did my best to take a deep breath and began:

"All of the time I spent with James, the nights I spent with James, I was completely wracked with guilt because I knew deep down that I didn't love him that way. I wanted so much to be in love with James. I tried to be in love with him, but it just wasn't there. I couldn't be IN love with him because I was in love with someone else and had been for so long. I have never told James this; I have never told anyone."

Kendall looked surprised. _Oh, just wait, blondie, because it gets better…_

"It was someone that didn't seem to be interested in me other than as a friend, and also was not available. Someone that I couldn't be with. I wasn't able to admit it to anyone, and for a while, not even to myself. I tried to keep myself from feeling the way I did, but it didn't work. As horrible as it might sound, I just kept thinking the more time I spent with James, I could begin to really love him that way and get past my other feelings. I wasn't trying to use James or screw him over; he is one of my best friends and always will be. I have always loved James in a different way and enjoy spending time with him; I just chose to spend so much of my time with him because of this. I tried to make myself feel something for him that I couldn't because I believed that nothing was ever going to happen with the person that I was in love with and it was just too painful."

"Are you still in love with him?" he asked.

"Yes, very much so." My eyes were starting to ache and I knew I wouldn't be able to contain my tears much longer. _I need to tell him right now, but I am so scared!_

"So, these are the reasons you had and now you probably feel like you have to let me down gently." He looked discouraged.

_God, what am I waiting for?_

And he just didn't get it yet!

"Kendall, I …"

Before I could get one more word out, I was full on crying. _I am such a girl!_ But, I had spent way too to long trying to hide these pent up feelings, the guilt, and confusion, trying to hold it all together; it was ALL about to come out. He just looked at me with this scared look on his face like he had done something to upset me.

"Colleen, I'm sorry! It's ok, you don't have to say anything else or talk about anything that you don't want to."

He put his arm around me and just his touch made me cry even more. I was crying because I felt like I had caused him pain. I was crying because I felt like I had royally screwed James over by him being in this situation, and the thought of hurting James was something I could not even handle. I was crying because even though I felt like I had messed up everything I could with two of the most incredible guys I'd ever met, they didn't see it that way, they were both still my friends, and their friendship and brotherhood hadn't suffered, and then James had freakin' BROUGHT Kendall to me! Because Logan, looking out for Kendall and I both, had tried to tell me and I misunderstood. Because Carlos knew I had something bothering me; he was trying to make sure I was ok, and offered to help. And he gave me a sandwich. Hell, EVERYTHING had me going at this point!

I was crying because Kendall, still not knowing how I felt about him, had totally bared his soul to me. And after what I had told him so far, he hadn't judged me. I had seriously underestimated his integrity. This had me so emotional I couldn't tell him the one thing I'd waited so long to tell him.

He kind of gave me a small hug, and then got up. I didn't see where he went or what he was doing; I was too busy burying my face in my hands, bawling my eyes out. He sat back down with some tissues and handed them to me.

I managed to somewhat regain my composure and wiped my face. I must have looked like complete shit.

"I'm sorry." I managed to say coherently.

He still had that concerned and very intrigued look on his face. I had never held anyone's attention like that before. And he actually had tears in his eyes, which was about to rip me up even more.

"Colleen, you have no reason to apologize to me. I am SO sorry! I did not mean to upset you. Look, we DON'T have to keep going. You don't owe me an explanation." He leaned forward hugged me and said quietly, "It's ok; we can stop."

"You didn't upset me, Kendall, and I really do owe you an explanation. We DO have to do keep going because you really need to hear what I'm about to say."

When I said that, he pulled away slowly and just looked at me, like I was some sort of riddle he could not figure out.

I thought I was done crying, but tears were still slowly rolling down my cheeks. I looked up at his beautiful face, then as calmly as I could, said very softly through my tears.

"It's you."

He looked at me like he couldn't believe what he had just heard.

"Kendall, it has ALWAYS been you! I couldn't tell anyone. Since the day I met you, I have not been able to get you out of my head. I have been in love with you for so long that it just hurts."

The look on his face was something I couldn't even describe. Then I said, "It didn't even occur to you earlier that I just drove RIGHT to your apartment, even though you didn't even give me your address or directions and you've never had me over here before? I knew where you lived, because I heard you give someone directions one time and I remembered. For more than a year, I've been paying attention. Every time you were in the room, every time you spoke to anyone about anything, everything you did in the studio, at Dustin's, on set, during breaks, when we were all at lunch, every single time I was anywhere close to you, you always had my undivided attention. I NEVER thought that I would be sitting here telling you this, especially after everything. I don't think I can ever make you understand just how sorry I am, how horrible I feel, how things must look now that you know this. When I saw you this morning, it just about killed me. I never thought there would ever be anything between us. You had a girlfriend, James seemed interested, and I never imagined …this."

"Holy shit. Oh, my god. Colleen, I…" He looked shocked for a few seconds, and then it was more like he was processing everything. He had his lips pressed tightly together and was looking up at the ceiling like he just couldn't believe any of it.

There it was. There HE was. The one I wanted to just sit and stare at, the day I met him, because he was just so beautiful. The one I had that amazingly hot dream about. The one I had to really watch myself around on the days we were working together on the Heffron stuff, especially when I was alone with him; pure torture. The one I wanted so bad that I would sometimes lie in bed at night and cry like a stupid, lovesick little girl because I couldn't bear to think that I would never have him.

And I had just told him exactly how I felt about him.

I looked over at him and he looked like everything was sinking in. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. Then he opened his eyes and said quietly, "Come here." He slowly pulled me towards him, cradled the back of my head in his hands and kissed me, passionately and sensually. Then he put his arms around me and just held me against him. As I laid against him, I could feel his heart beating, about as fast as mine was. I could feel more tears about to come, but I didn't care. This was a moment I had dreamed about for so long, and I did not want it to end.

While still holding me, he put his mouth close to my ear and said very softly, "The past is the past. It is over. I don't give a shit about any of it because _I fucking love you! _End of story. If you feel the same way, then we start now."

I closed my eyes. THIS was what I had been impatiently waiting for, for so long.

"Ok", I said, "then we start now."


	21. Chapter 21

I don't remember falling asleep. I just remembered being in Kendall's arms and feeling his breath on me. But, I woke up by myself and for a few seconds I didn't know where I was. I looked around and realized I was in his bed. I was dressed and it was still daylight. The bedroom door was partially open and I could hear him talking. I listened for a minute and realized he was on the phone.

"…cannot believe this fucking happened! You were right about her. She told me all kinds of things I never even would have imagined. I have never seen anyone be so honest and upfront before….yeah….no…she fell asleep in my arms! She's been sleeping for about an hour…. I put her in my bed…. no, I just left her alone…I sat next to her for a few minutes just looking at her sleeping. She looks so peaceful…. We have plenty of time to talk… I can't believe it either…I can't believe she's here, dude… thanks man …ok…yeah…bye."

I didn't mean to eavesdrop. Ok, yeah I did. I could tell it was one of the guys, and thought maybe it was James or Dustin. Who was right about what? I couldn't believe what I was hearing Kendall say. I thought about how unsure I was five hours earlier, driving over to Starbucks, not knowing what I would find, and now I was laying in Kendall's bed; this was one serious mindfuck! Then I thought about James. I really needed to talk to him, to apologize, to thank him, explain things or something. I breathed deep. The past was the past, it was over, but he and I still had a history. The nights I had spent with him, was it worth it? Not if it meant hurting him. Or Kendall. Or worse, losing either of them. And the fact that it could have happened is something I would really have to deal with and get past.

Kendall came into the bedroom and kind of smirked at me. I acted like I had just sat up and hadn't been listening him talk on the phone or thinking about past encounters. He sat down on the bed.

"Kendall, I am so sorry. I have got to be the worst houseguest ever. First, I have this huge crazy crying fit then I fall asleep on you."

He just laughed, "It's ok. It has been quite a day. Can I get you anything?"

"No, thanks. I'm not keeping you from anything, am I?"

"No, I have the whole day today. Am I keeping you from anything?"

"I have nowhere to be today. Obviously…" He just laughed and looked at me. _Oh, god, he's killing me with those eyes._

I sat up straighter and looked at him. He looked at me like he was trying to figure out what I was thinking. I just wanted to stare at his beautiful face, now that I finally could. He looked deep into my eyes. He leaned forward and kissed me, even more passionately than he had earlier.

He took his mouth off of mine after a few seconds, leaned in very close to me and said very softly,

"Make love to me."

_Hell yeah! You had me at "Hi, I'm Kendall…"_

I woke up and turned over to see Kendall sleeping next to me. I looked over at the clock; it was 7:18 a.m. It took me a few seconds to just register everything that had happened the day before. It still felt surreal and I was still in total disbelief. I just laid there looking at him, studying his face and listening to him breathe while he slept. I wanted to jump on him and fuck him so hard that he'd forget his name, but I figured that could wait.

I wondered what to do next. I really wanted to see James; I had so much to talk to him about. I wanted to cry thinking about his sweet smile when he dropped off Kendall. And I had a lot of questions for him. He would tell me everything, but first I had to tell him all the things I hadn't been able to before.

I was too freaked to do anything, so I laid still and just savored remembering everything that lead to that second: _It was late in the afternoon. Kendall and I had made love; it was so passionate and perfect. We fell asleep and woke up around 10:00 pm. Neither of us felt like going anywhere that late for dinner. So, he made grilled cheeses and we sat and talked for hours, about anything and everything. Then I took a shower and borrowed one of his t-shirts. While he was in the shower, I fell asleep, just breathing in the scent of his shirt, his pillow, his bed._ That's the last thing I remembered. And here we were.

"That was one hell of a first date..." I looked over and he was just looking at me, this really devious looking smile on his face.

"Yeah, definitely one for the books..."

We looked at each other for a minute, and then we both just burst out laughing. I have no idea what was so funny.

"I have to be in the studio at 12:00." he said while looking over at the clock.

"So do I. I think we're all supposed to be there. Shit, I had forgotten all about that." We hardly ever had Sunday sessions, but we all had a few things to finish for a new single and Jay wanted it done as soon as possible.

"I am really hungry. Are you? May I take you to breakfast?" he said.

"I would love that, but then I need to get home, change clothes and get my things."

He thought for a minute, then said, "Go on home, take your time, call me and then I can pick you up later. We can have a late breakfast, or brunch, or whatever, and go in together."

"That sounds really good."

He got that serious look on his face again, then said "I know this is not going to easy be for us, but I want so badly for this to work."

"I know, me too." I smiled at him, almost in tears. It was more of a whisper because I was having a hard time with all this emotion in my head and still having trouble talking.

I got up and went in to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. Damn, I looked like a hot mess. _He seriously wanted to have sex with THIS? Ok…_

I peed, got cleaned up and got dressed. I came out of the bathroom and gave him back the t-shirt I borrowed. He was looking at his phone and laughing. "Thirteen missed calls. Oh, that reminds me; I got a new phone and new number. I forgot to tell you a few days back. You'll probably want it now, maybe?" he joked. That would explain why I didn't recognize the number the text came from.

I was putting his new number in my phone and remembered we had put our phones on silent and forgot to set them back.

I started scrolling through to see who all had called and how many times. I had a call from Carlos, one from Logan, a text from Melanie and two calls from James.

"Kendall."

"Yeah."

"Let me talk to James first."

He smiled like he understood. "Sure." I then remembered that I heard him talking to someone yesterday when I was just waking up, and thought it could have been James. Maybe it wasn't; Kendall didn't offer any other info, so I didn't say anything. I was still curious.

I was conflicted as hell on how I was going begin the conversation with James, but it had to be done immediately.


	22. Chapter 22

Once I left Kendall's, I made a beeline for his James' apartment, even though it was out of my way, without even calling. I didn't call him because I thought once I heard his voice I would probably cry and wreck my car or something. I had thought earlier that I was pretty confident about talking to James since, well, it was James. But the closer I got to his door, I was starting to freak a bit because I got worried that I was going to upset him. I lost all confidence and was totally flying blind by that point.

I knocked on the door and waited, more nervous than I thought I would be. He opened the door and just looked at me, a bit surprised. Maybe because it was just barely after 8:00 am. He looked like he had JUST gotten up; he had on a tank top and sweat pants, his hair was a mess and he was wearing his glasses. I was about to apologize to him, but I already had tears in my eyes and trouble swallowing. He saw that right away.

He took my hand, pulled me in and shut the door. I threw my arms around him and hugged him, tears streaming down my face.

"Sweetie, what happened? I tried calling you and Kendall both. Sit down…" He led me over to the couch and sat down with me. Hell, every time there's a guy and a couch, I swear…

For some stupid reason I was catatonic. I just sat quietly and didn't know where to start. I think everything that had happened, EVER, since the day I met these guys just kind of all hit me right at that second. He just looked at me and waited. I was finally able to get something out.

"James, I'm sorry to just show up like this without calling, especially this early. I just really needed to talk to you. It couldn't wait."

"It's ok. What's the matter?"

"I've had something I have put off telling you, because I didn't know how to. I kept this a secret for so long and I should have told you first. I told Kendall, yesterday. He was the first to know. This wasn't the way I pictured any of this happening..."

OK, in hindsight I saw how HORRIBLY I worded this, but since I was just making it up as I went along, not realizing how it sounded, I kept talking …

"When you and I spent those nights together, you were the only one I had been intimate with in… a while…and…"

I stopped when I saw this look of sheer panic on his face; he was really pale. He just looked at me, wide-eyed, like he wanted to say something.

"Colleen… are you… pregnant?" He just froze and looked at me. I then thought about everything I had just said and how it sounded. Oh, hell! I was upset enough about hurting James, I sure as fuck didn't mean to give him a heart attack.

"No! No, James, oh my god, no. I'm sorry! Shit. Let me start over." He took a deep breath and all of the color slowly came back to his face.

I started over, "Ok, I am sorry about THAT. I didn't have a script prepared and didn't plan to be here doing this today."

"It's ok, sweetie. Just tell me whatever it is."

"Ok, first, I am going to tell you a lot of things, and then I am going to want to know a lot of things, so please be brutally honest with me, because I am going to be so honest with you, I'll probably make an ass of myself and start crying again, and hopefully not upset you with anything I tell you."

He just looked at me with a kind of half curious, half amused look.

I took a deep breath. "James, I …have…been in love with Kendall since the day I met him. I knew he had a girlfriend, so I did nothing, said nothing, refused to entertain the thought, tried to forget it. After you asked me out, I thought you could be the person to get my mind off of him. And I don't mean it like that, but that the more I got to know you, when we hit it off and totally connected, I really thought I would fall in love with you. I wanted to be in love with you; I was sure if I just gave it more time it would happen, but as much as I wanted to love you that deeply, I couldn't. I was horribly confused about this, more than anything ever in my life.

"I had been lonely. That first night we were together, I wanted you so much; emotionally, mentally, physically. I thought that if I just gave myself to you, then that would do it. You already know that I think you are just fucking gorgeous and the physical attraction was obviously there. I couldn't think of one thing about you that I didn't love. I wanted to love you so much more but I couldn't feel any more for you than already I did. It was the worst guilt ever; that this was so wrong and I was being so unfair to you because despite all of that, I could not get Kendall out of my mind. He and Sherie were still together, and it looked like that was always going to be."

I stopped talking, just to look at him and he was completely fixated on everything I was saying. I began to relax a little and it got easier to keep talking.

"The first time you invited me to spend the night, I had just left the studio and was feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't understand why my stupid emotions were so messed up. Then when I saw your message, all I could think was 'Hey, HE wants me. Even if he's as confused as I am, he still wants me tonight'. And I thought I was crazy not to be able to be in love with you, I really wanted to and still thought there might have been a chance, like it would just work if we worked at it. So, I came over here, ready for you to do whatever you wanted to me and whatever it was going to take. And every night we were together after that was because I wanted to. Not only because that was how badly I wanted to get over Kendall, but because it was you. You have treated me so perfectly. There was no emotional pain, I felt comfortable with you; I could trust you. Then after that I didn't even have anything else that justified it, it was just what we had going and I didn't want to stop.

The day you came over and talked to me about our relationship, I was sure that you were trying to let me down easy, that you had met someone else that you wanted to be with and that was why we wouldn't be spending any more nights together. Then I knew I was going to have to accept that what we had was and would always be the most awesome friendship ever, and the nights we had together were amazing and incredible, but it couldn't continue. I knew that it hadn't been right but it NEVER occurred to me that Kendall really WAS the reason for that, and not just in my mind.  
"During the tour, I thought that would be the best time to kind of start over, so I kept myself busy. I wondered when you all came back and I saw everyone again, how I would feel. I seriously had never been this confused, and I had no idea what to do with it, and the thought of telling anyone this scared the hell out of me. The day we were all back in the studio, I was SO happy to see you. I had missed you so much. But, the second I saw Kendall…"

And this was when I started to cry. He just looked at me, and then he held me. Did these guys go to some sort of training class? Because they have this comforting-a-damsel-in-distress thing down.

I still had more and he just listened, very attentively, and maybe a little stunned.

"I have loved every minute I have spent with you, all of it. And I still do. I still want us to be close, like we always have been. I never want that to go away. So, yesterday morning, when I saw you, I thought it was you meeting me, and it really threw me. I had already managed to let go of any idea of us together, because I still had to deal with my feelings for Kendall, not having a fucking clue how he felt about me or that he was there. I felt horrible enough thinking that it may have looked like I used you. I wanted you to be happy and not let me and my craziness or whatever hold you back.  
"Then when you were leaving, and you smiled at me, it didn't look like any other smile I have ever gotten from you. I still didn't see Kendall; I knew someone was there, but I didn't see who it was until you left. Then when I saw that it was him…"

I had to stop because reliving this all over was painful. I looked at him and the look on his face was priceless. James, THE James, was speechless and probably grappling with more information than he ever thought I'd be throwing at him.

I continued, "The thought of what I tried to do, and that I couldn't be honest with you or Kendall, or myself, was bad enough. But worse was that what happened that put Kendall right there yesterday morning, YOU were the one to bring him to ME. I knew the two of you had one really difficult conversation; I know you HAD to tell him about us and I understand completely. And I knew when I saw him yesterday, I was going to have to try to explain to him that while I was secretly in love with him, I had been doing his best friend. As awful as it was going to be to admit everything to him, at least I could tell him right then, and hear what he had to say. But until he told me yesterday, I had no idea what you had been through, how the two of you got to that point, how long it took, and the whole time you never said anything; you made sure you let me know that you still cared about me and you still were my friend. The realization that I could have hurt either of you, that things between the two of you might have gone bad; the guilt of thinking that I had put you in this situation and would be totally responsible is a pain I would never wish on anyone. James, I am so sorry! I cannot bear to think I did anything to hurt you. You mean so much to me and if I ever lost you because of something I did, I would never forgive myself."

I stopped and breathed, still tearing up and by now my eyes were stinging and aching from crying so much. I don't think I had ever cried so much in my life. I was prepared this time and had tissues in my pocket. I already had them out and was wiping my eyes. He was just looking at me, really concentrating on everything and still speechless.

"James, please say something."

He picked up my hands and held them, then said quietly. "Tell me what happened with Kendall"

Wait, what? I dropped all that on him and he was concerned about Kendall. I didn't know what to do with that. It really hit me just how much he cared about him.

I looked into his eyes, which were now the deepest, darkest shade of hazel. He had this solemn look of concern that I didn't think I had ever seen before.

"I told him everything, exactly what I am telling you now. I was so scared he would think I was a slut and he would decide that he didn't want me. I was scared that I was going to fuck up everything I could have had with the one person I wanted it with, before it even began. And it was about this emotional. But, he wasn't even upset. He got it. I told him how much I loved him, how long I had loved him. And… he… just…" And the tears were back, full force. But I was at least able to speak.

"We talked about everything. I love him so much. I have always loved him. James, I never wanted to waste your time or use you…"

He hugged me again, and then faced me, holding my hands again. "Look at me. You have done NOTHING wrong. I love you, and you know exactly what I mean when I say that. You and I are fine, Kendall and I are fine. Please don't think you did ANYTHING to ANYONE."

"James, why me? Out of every girl you know, and hell yes, they ALL want you, why…me?"

He took a deep breath and looked up. He had this look on his face like he couldn't believe he was going to answer that.

"Colleen, since we are being so painfully honest, I'll tell you everything I never had the fucking balls to tell you before. I don't know how you're going to take this because I have a lot to be sorry for…"

I froze, wondering what kind of curveball I was about to get. What the hell were these guys doing to me?

He looked at me, still holding my hands. "When I first met you, I thought you were absolutely beautiful. I still do, but this was purely on a physical level. I asked you out to Starbucks that day, because I wanted your company, I wanted to get to know you, but there was more than just that …"

"Ok…"

"In all honestly, what I had really wanted was to fuck you. That night, in my bed, if you would have let me. I wanted you before anyone else could get to you."

I know my eyes got wide, as achy as they were. I didn't know what kind of response to have. I was weirdly flattered, but would never say so.

"I was going to ask you to come to my apartment that night, planning to just take you and pleasure you in every way I could think of. But, once we started talking, all I could think of was how sweet you were, and that you had way too much class than to just let some guy get his dick in you that fast. It would have been the stupidest, most selfish thing I could have done. And I felt like such an asshole. So, I made a point to get to know you as a person. And the more I did, the more I loved just being with you. It was horrible how I felt before. So, the first night we were together, I was hesitant at first, because I wanted to make sure that you really wanted it to happen. And it was special, and amazing, and better than I could have imagined. I wanted to spend all of my time showing you how much I cared about you, partly because I felt guilty for thinking what I did when I met you, and then because the more time we spent together, I just loved being with you. I never saw it being a serious, committed type thing, because I just didn't see that with us. I didn't think that would be something I could do, and I would never try to pretend I could because I never wanted to hurt you.

"The night I texted you to come over…I purposely left the studio early that day so I wouldn't see you before I asked you. I wanted the same thing we'd had the first time we were together. I wanted to have you in my bed that night and cook you breakfast the next morning. I came home to think about it very carefully. I thought if I saw you that day, it would make things difficult. I wanted to think without having had any recent interaction, if that makes sense. I was completely torn. I didn't want to think I was using you for sex and nothing else. I didn't tell the guys, because I wanted to protect you. Then I felt guilty for not telling them because we're so close, we just all know each other's business usually anyway; we don't keep a lot of secrets. I had no excuse for keeping it going, other than it was incredible. I enjoyed it, I enjoyed you. I didn't see anything else more than what we had, but what we had was so great.

"One morning, Kendall called me, really early. He asked me to come over and I did. He wanted to know what was going on between us; he was curious because I didn't talk much about it. I told him everything at first, except about our secret. Then he just flat out told me that he was in love with you. That he and Sherie were pretty much over, that he didn't want to say anything before because of her but mostly because he thought you and I were together. Then I felt like the world's biggest fucking dick, because he was able to come right out and say to me, specifically, that he was IN LOVE with you. I couldn't say it. I liked you, I loved you, I wanted you, but it wasn't like what he was talking about. Once Kendall told me that, there was no way I could keep doing this. Not to him, not to you. But it was not my place to tell you about him, he needed to deal with what I told him, he needed to deal with Sherie and he needed to be the one to come to you. He wasn't upset with me, surprisingly. He knew I had no idea how he felt. But I still felt like the worst kind of scum ever, like I had screwed over my brother, and treated you like a conquest. All I could do was apologize and do what I could to fix this. And make sure that you and I didn't suffer.

"I know about guilt, it has eaten on me for months. The day I came to talk to you, I couldn't tell you this. I am beyond sorry, Colleen, I am. To hear myself telling it, it makes me sound like such a fucking asshole. And you deserve so much more than that. I can't think of anybody better for you than Kendall. And I can't think of anybody better for him."

He looked down and had that same look of sorrow that he had that day at my apartment. Well, there it all was. We'd ALL confessed our sins, and it seems we had all been quite fucked up here, not knowing what to do, not knowing what the right thing was. Kendall was right; maybe there was no right thing. Feelings and emotions are complicated things and have no logic.

"So, what now?" I asked.

He just looked at me. "Well, if you don't hate me, that's a start.

"James, there is nothing you could do that would ever make me hate you."

"So, I tried to call you and Kendall both. I was concerned when I didn't hear from either of you."

I thought for a second. The person that Kendall had been talking to the day before; it seems it really wasn't James. Who else could he be talking to about me and telling that person that they were right about me, whatever that meant. I didn't say anything about it to James, I was sure I would eventually get it figured out.

I was so deep in thought that I didn't realize he was still looking at me, waiting for me to answer.

"Well, we went to his apartment. We put both of our phones on silent so we wouldn't be bothered. We talked, a LOT. About a LOT. Then I spent the night with him. I just left there; I haven't even been home yet."

He just looked at me and kind of laughed. "That is the same outfit you were wearing yesterday. Okay…"

"I need to get going; I was supposed to be home getting ready for Kendall to take me to breakfast. I suppose I'll see you in the studio at 12:00?"

He nodded and got up and walked me to the door, and just before I reached out to open it, he stopped me. He turned me to look at him. "Colleen, please tell me that you and I are ok? Everything I just told you, are we still ok?"

"James, what about everything that I just told YOU; do you think we're ok?" I looked up at him. He smiled.

He gave me of his signature "James hugs" and said, "I am always going to be here for you. Remember that."

I got into my car and really breathed, probably for the first time in a very long time.


	23. Chapter 23

After Kendall and I met for a late breakfast, he drove me to the studio with him. When we got to the parking lot, he parked the car and looked at me.

"You ready to do this?"

"I am."

We looked around to make sure there were no cameras or anything. We got out and walked in to the studio, a few feet apart. Once we got inside, he took off his hat and sunglasses and held my hand.

We got into the studio, and frigging EVERYONE else was already in there. Which of course, never happens, but of course, that day... When we walked in, everyone just looked at us. Then I heard, "It's about damn time…"

"Well, finally!"

"Yep, I told ya…"

"Kendall, what took you so long, dude?"

Kendall and I just looked at each other like "What the actual fuck?"

I looked over and saw Mark shaking his head and handing Rej a twenty dollar bill. I just looked at them in disbelief. "Are you kidding me?"

Everyone just laughed. I looked over at James and he smiled and shook his head like he had nothing to do with it.

"Ok, if we're all done here, I'm sure we're wasting time and money by fucking around …" Kendall said, with a sly smile.

It wasn't a long session; Sundays usually aren't. When we were done, Kendall had to stay a little bit longer to work on a few more parts in the vocal booth. I was going to wait for him, but Carlos was going down the street to Dillon's for dinner and asked me to come with him. I let Kendall know and he said he would meet us later.

When Carlos and I got there, he excused himself while I sat down. He came back a few minutes later, and was just smirking at me.

"What?" I said looking at him.

"You might be pissed when I tell you this, or maybe you won't…"

"Holy fuck, Carlos, I have had more of these messed up conversations than I can take regarding my personal life and all of the men in it. So, what are you gonna throw at me?"

3rd Person POV flashback:

_Kendall had just put down his phone after talking to Carlos. Carlos had called him to let him know he was thinking about him, knowing he was going to meet with Colleen soon. He had finally decided to tell him that had seen Colleen crying while leaving work on the first day back, just minutes after Kendall had gone in the studio to get his phone. He was pretty sure that Colleen was crying over him, but Kendall couldn't believe it. James had just been in there talking to her a minute or two before, maybe it was him she was upset over. Kendall couldn't really understand this and no one but Colleen could answer this question. It made him partly nervous and partly hopeful. He looked at the clock. James would be there soon to pick him up._

Carlos sighed. "That evening I saw you in the hall, you WERE crying. You were crying because of Kendall."

I looked at him and nodded. "I was. I just couldn't tell anyone. I had …been in love with him…forever."

"Colleen, I am really sorry. You looked so upset that day that I wanted to cry, too. I asked Kendall if he had talked to you when he went in to get his phone. He said he had for just a second. So, later I called Melanie, told her what I had seen and she knew why you were crying. I debated over whether to say anything. I thought it would just upset Kendall and James. And I felt so bad, for you, for Kendall, but I still didn't have a confirmed reason that was why you were crying, so I kept quiet.

"When Kendall was going to meet you, he was so fucking nervous, he didn't want to drive. James had offered the night before to take him. I knew what time James was going to pick him up, so before he got there, I called Kendall and told him about you crying and what Melanie said. He didn't think that was the reason, he thought maybe it was James; he had been in there with you a minute earlier, or maybe anything else. He couldn't believe it. I told him to please call me once he was able to and let me know what happened; I was concerned about both of you."

"So he kinda knew how I felt already?"

"He didn't seem to believe me. It was like he COULDN'T believe it. We weren't going to say anything to him, to let him deal with this for himself. We just thought once Sherie was out of the picture, we'd see what would happen. I just couldn't stand it, though. I knew how he felt, I knew how you felt. I just wanted it to happen for you guys"

"What do you mean, 'we'?" I began to feel slightly horrified.

"Dustin knew because he saw it when you were all working together. He said the first day you were there, Kendall had gone to pick up lunch, and the second he left, you were relaxed and calm and once he came back, you weren't so much. He thought you had some sort of problem with Kendall or didn't like working with him or something. He mentioned it to Melanie and she just looked at him like he was an idiot. Then he was like, 'Ohhh…'" And he said that Kendall talked about you more than he talked about Sherie. And the way Kendall would look at you, he was surprised you didn't notice.

"Jay knew how you felt because he saw the way you acted around Kendall. He's older than us, he just knows stuff. He knew Kendall was in love with you, too, and he was the one that put the note that Kendall wrote by your things so you would find it. Rej knew because he was in the room when Kendall asked you to help him and Dustin with their Heffron stuff. He saw the look on your face when he asked you and then the way your look changed when you were talking with him. And the way Kendall was looking at you when he was talking to you. Then how you were after Kendall left. Logan figured it out because he's keen on things like that. He knew that you and James were just friends and he could tell there was something you were keeping guarded, so he just paid close attention. He said he tried to tell you about Kendall that day we were all at his house and you looked completely freaked, so he shut up. Mark and Devin just knew that Kendall was in love with you because apparently, Kendall had a "tell" or something whenever he was near you. James didn't have a clue until Kendall told him, and they both had no idea how you felt. I hadn't noticed before then either, until the day I saw you in the hall, then I just sort of thought about everything. Kendall was completely blindsided when you told him what you did yesterday."

"Wow, I had no idea everyone was so interested in us! Like our own little soap opera... wait, how do you know what I told Kendall yesterday?"

Carlos looked uneasy for a second, and then smiled. "He called me yesterday while you were asleep and told me the gist of the conversation. He was freaked as hell that you were there and what all had happened."

"Carlos, I heard him talking right when I woke up and he was saying you were 'right about me'. That must have been what he was talking about; you telling him what you did…"

I thought I would have been embarrassed, everyone being all up in our business. Right then, it was just another weird tell-all, like I seem to regularly have with them. But it also felt like everyone just cared.

"Oh, so you KNEW he talked to me?" Carlos said, smirking.

"No, I woke up and heard him on the phone and thought it was James or maybe Dustin. I just didn't know what he meant when I heard him say that. I knew I'd find out eventually, and now I have."

Just then, the waitress came and took our order. Carlos ordered a Cobb salad and I hadn't even looked at the menu yet, so I opened the menu, pointed to some random item and figured I'd just eat whatever I ended up with. She left and I looked back at Carlos.

Carlos looked at me like he was worried I would be upset. How could I be upset with him? How could anyone be upset with him, he was always so sweet and probably had his shit together better than the rest of us. He just wanted to help everyone.

"Carlos, I am so sorry if it looked like I didn't trust you with this. That wasn't it. I had struggled with my feelings for Kendall for more than a year. Since he had a girlfriend, I just had to leave him alone. When you all came into the studio that day after being gone for almost a month, all of those feelings were still there. I had spent the whole session with all of you, trying to hold my shit together. Then, Kendall came back in to get his phone. I was just taking my time getting all my crap together. I thought everyone was gone for the evening, so when he walked in, it caught me totally off-guard. I looked up at him and just realized right then that I was fucking toast because no matter what, when all was said and done, I was still in love with him. I had no idea how he felt, or what was happening with him and Sherie. It all just hit me. He left and…"

I looked up and Kendall was standing there, just listening and looking at me with this awed look on his face. Carlos smiled and got up, "Yeah…I'm just gonna go sit at the bar for a little while. I won't hurry."

Kendall sat down and kept looking at me. "You heard all of that, didn't you?" I said.

"I did. Carlos told me that, I couldn't believe that was right. You actually cried over me that day?"

"Kendall, I have cried over you so many times, it's fucking embarrassing. Now you know…"

The waitress came back with the food and was confused when she saw Kendall there and not Carlos. She set the Cobb salad down on the table and set down a pasta dish, which must have been what I ordered. Just then Carlos came back, holding a take out container. He smiled at Kendall and said "That salad is yours. You both have a good night." He put two twenties on the table and left. I just looked at Kendall and shook my head. _These guys… damn._

He looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. "Kendall, what is it?"

"This. Us. It's exactly what I wanted."


	24. Chapter 24

Third Person POV Flashback:

_James picked Kendall up and they were in the car, on the way to Starbucks. They pulled into the parking lot and saw her car. She must have already been inside. James found a space about five spaces down from Colleen's car and parked. He looked over at Kendall who was trying to look like he was ok with this._

_"It's too late now to back out." James said. "Give me your phone." Kendall handed over his phone without even thinking to ask James why he wanted it._

_"I was so nervous I forgot to put her number in my new phone. I never gave her my new number, either." he said still not even thinking._

_"That's ok; I'll add it from mine. I was going to text her from your phone so she'd see your number and know it was you, since she's already here and all, but now she won't know who it is until she sees you. Total element of surprise."_

_"You're really enjoying this." Kendall said looking at James' devious smile._

_"Dude, I just want you and her both to be happy. I just want this to work. Ok, I texted her to come out here."_

_"Wait, what? I'm not ready!"_

_"And, you're welcome…"_

_Kendall sighed. "Thanks… motherfucker."_

_James laughed and looked over toward the door. "Ok, there she is."_

_James got out and turned to see Colleen looking over at him. Kendall was still in the car. Oh shit, she's going to think it's me, James thought. He walked around the back of the car to the passenger side, leaned down and knocked on the window, "Kendall, let's go dude. Come on." Kendall was texting Logan, Carlos and Dustin: "James is dumping me here NOW, she is here NOW, I feel like an IDIOT, please be on standby for rescue mission if this shit goes sideways. Thank you."_

_Kendall got out of the car, and looked at James. "Thank you." James just smiled and patted Kendall on the shoulder. He looked over at Colleen, smiled, then got in the car and left._

_Colleen stood there for a second, slightly confused. James' car left the parking lot. Kendall stepped out from behind the car parked next to the now empty space, took a breath and looked up. He saw Colleen standing there, just looking at him. God, she was beautiful! She was standing by her car and waited for him to come over to her._

Kendall POV flashback:

_Colleen and I had just finished lunch at Lemonade, while having a pretty intense conversation that was not over yet. We were in her car and heading over to my apartment to talk some more. I texted Carlos, Logan, Dustin and James, all the same text: "We're going back to my place to talk. I'll catch you all later."_

_I got back the following texts:_

_James: Thinking about you both. I dropped you off over an hour ago, so it must be going well!_  
_Logan: This is it! Go Kendall! Go Kendall!_  
_Carlos: See, I was right. She IS in love with you. Why else would she be going back to your place?_  
_Dustin: You'll be getting laid before midnight. Godspeed, bro!_


	25. Chapter 25

Not long after all of that craziness, we were at Kendall's apartment, just hanging out on the couch, sort of watching some random movie. I had already let go of all the anxiety I'd had for so long. Things had been totally fine between him and James. Things were fine between me and James. I no longer had to worry about being distracted by any of them while working; I was no longer part of BTR's back up band. My contract was up as it was and before there was even talk of renewing it, I already had made the decision not to stay on, before even telling Kendall. Being a female musician, some of the fans might hate me, especially if and when they found out I was Kendall's girlfriend. And living in the public eye is a hard place to be when everyone is watching, especially when people have opinions and love to speculate. The guys were about to record more songs for the new album, have it finished pretty quickly and they needed a drummer that would be able to do these songs, and play live for a long tour. Rej was also going on to other things as well. He was like me; happy to be a session musician, occasionally filling in live, but not a touring musician. Mark and Devin stayed on to do the tour. Dustin came on to take over guitar for Rej and Jordan was brought in to replace me. I took other jobs from Nickelodeon and a few other cable stations for other shows and promos, as well as a job for a from a singer I had helped with demos several months earlier, who now had a contract and wanted me for her first album. I was fine with it; I am perfectly content to be the person whose music you hear, but don't always see. I'd be busy. I had enough money. I had Kendall and he had been SO worth the wait.

It was weird, but it was ok. It had to be this way; it was just the next part of things. It had truly been a great run, though.

I laid there and just thought about everything, while resting my head up against Kendall as he stroked my hair. We were just quiet. I had to be realistic that we may not be together forever, the odds would be against us, but at this second, we were here. I would love to say that I knew we'd get married, own a huge house on the beach, have little blonde hippie babies, and live happily ever after and such, but that just sounds too easy and too perfect and life is anything but. I could not imagine a time when I wouldn't be as in love with him as I was right then, and I just wanted to be in the moment.

I also never would have even imagined, in what weird universe, that when I got a call to work on a Nickelodeon project that it would lead to ALL OF THIS?

Truth really is stranger than fiction.

Yeah, that's a cliché, but it totally fits.


End file.
